Old Spice High, Class of 1897
Clark Kent: The Early Years, brought to you by Olan Mills
Photo shoot for sanitary napkin commercial? Or school photographer a centimeter away from illegal?
YOU MAKE THE CALL.
Uh...whoa.
Think this one already had a run-in with the photographer a few shots above.
Bro, what's up, bro?
Easy there, Gretchen. That's a horse, not a boyfriend.
Dude, my brother caught the same thing down in Singapore.
junior year and senior of college i was obsessed with one thing: my biceps.
still pumped from having seen terminator 2 several years previous, i had somehow convinced myself that 4 times weekly gym sessions, embarrassing magazine subscriptions and foul-tasting supplements were the key to developing linda hamilton guns that would take the place of the stork-like linguini appendages i had inherited from my mother.
t2 was more than a movie to me. it was a way of thinking. a lifestyle. one that says it's ok for women to be old. it's ok for them to handle firearms, ride motorcycles, and beat the tar out of somebody.
not that i ever needed an OK, but still. it's always nice to have one. at one point i had linda hamilton pictures in my car, at my workplace, and in my gym locker.
my boyfriend never said anything, but i'm sure he must have found it more than a little odd. those days he spent most of his time trying to avoid me, as any face-to-face contact of longer than 5 minutes would lead to a solicitation for arm wrestling.
I KNOW I CAN TAKE YOU!
JUST ONE MORE TIME!
COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my biceps quest ended when, after a year of work, i happened upon ms. hamilton's workout routine in an old issue of entertainment weekly and discovered: 1. i had made very little progress, and 2. i'd never have the discipline nor the means to ford rivers, eat dry salads, or spend face time with a former israeli commando.
now along comes this new series: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.
and grandma's a little worried. i gotta tell you.
to go from this:
to this:
just doesn't spell promising.
you can almost hear the discussion between the producers:
Can anyone who sews help me?
I'm trying to find a cloth-covered wire bent into the shape of a U that sort of folds over and has a u-shaped piece that it fits into so the two of them work like a button to hold a coat together.
my big puffy whorey pimp ebay coat has them and several have fallen off and i'd like to replace them. but i do not know what the fuck they're called. hook & eye? frogs?
i went to joann fabrics but it was no help. probably cause i didn't know what the F i was looking for.
i've been watching infomercials since before i was born.
the name "erin" comes from an actress in a 3 o'clock (as in, in the morning) movie my moms was watching.
i was a shitty pregnancy. always keeping my mom up. kicking and kicking. turning and tossing.
i now present to you "pearl cream" - tell me if this woman isn't a distant relative of barbara wahwah....
Obama got the votes to make ya booty go SNAP!
*I'm aware this is Luda, not Usher. I tried to get a photo of the former with the candidate in question but he was busy applying Turtle Wax to his pectoral muscles and healing sick children with his stomach.
Too bad elections aren't won on looks alone, or I would immediately switch my voting affiliation to the Adorable Casual Black Fonzie Party.
Who are YOU supporting? More importantly, why?
I pay for pornography. I know that's probably weird for you. I'm sorry.
Ever since I got my first laptop and went on a smut hunt and infected my computer with all sorts of horrible, damn near irreversible-unless-you-wipe-the-hard-drive viruses and shit, and THEN had to deal with the humiliation of speaking to a Dell customer service rep in Bangalore for 2 hours trying to get my computer vagina clean (No, I don't know how it got this way. No, I don't remember what site I was on. No, I don't want to send you my browser history.) I've been a little paranoid.
Plus it's dirt cheap. 8 cents a minute. You figure 5 minutes per wackoff, that's 40 cents. 40 cents to access over 5,000 clips that load right, look good, and aren't going to cut me off midway with an advertisement or something sketchy. Nothing kills a boner like searching around for shit and waiting. Why would I want to do that? I live in New York. I have enough inconvenience.
One of thing things I love most about my pay site is that it gets smarter over time. Like Netflix. It recommends things. I think I've totally thrown it for a loop though, because I've watched a few gay dude movies. All my hetero girlfriends are into dude-on-dude porn, I figured I'd give it a whirl.
Know what? Not for me. I like watching guys go all Page and Plant and almost makeout, or actually makeout. But straight on balls to the wall gay dude sex? Eh. S'okay. I'd rather watch the dudes with ladies. HELLO, MY NAME IS ERIN AND I AM BORING. I AM FROM THE MITTEN STATE.
Anyway, because of my brief dalliance into gay cinema, my porn site has inserted a permanent toggle button on my home page.
It says this:
