Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Separated at Birth

Ex-boyfriend from a long time ago's roommate's cat

A young Nick Nolte


I pay for pornography. I know that's probably weird for you. I'm sorry.

Ever since I got my first laptop and went on a smut hunt and infected my computer with all sorts of horrible, damn near irreversible-unless-you-wipe-the-hard-drive viruses and shit, and THEN had to deal with the humiliation of speaking to a Dell customer service rep in Bangalore for 2 hours trying to get my computer vagina clean (No, I don't know how it got this way. No, I don't remember what site I was on. No, I don't want to send you my browser history.) I've been a little paranoid.

Plus it's dirt cheap. 8 cents a minute. You figure 5 minutes per wackoff, that's 40 cents. 40 cents to access over 5,000 clips that load right, look good, and aren't going to cut me off midway with an advertisement or something sketchy. Nothing kills a boner like searching around for shit and waiting. Why would I want to do that? I live in New York. I have enough inconvenience.

One of thing things I love most about my pay site is that it gets smarter over time. Like Netflix. It recommends things. I think I've totally thrown it for a loop though, because I've watched a few gay dude movies. All my hetero girlfriends are into dude-on-dude porn, I figured I'd give it a whirl.

Know what? Not for me. I like watching guys go all Page and Plant and almost makeout, or actually makeout. But straight on balls to the wall gay dude sex? Eh. S'okay. I'd rather watch the dudes with ladies. HELLO, MY NAME IS ERIN AND I AM BORING. I AM FROM THE MITTEN STATE.

Anyway, because of my brief dalliance into gay cinema, my porn site has inserted a permanent toggle button on my home page.

It says this:

Change to gay.

Isn't that awesome? Like I could just click a button and change myself into a gay person. I'm really thinking about doing it. I want to be a bear. Then I could date this creative director at my agency. He looks like a bear and I have the hugest crush on him. We would be amazing together. I was DEVASTATED when I found out his orientation on MySpace.