Tuesday, December 11, 2007


I pay for pornography. I know that's probably weird for you. I'm sorry.

Ever since I got my first laptop and went on a smut hunt and infected my computer with all sorts of horrible, damn near irreversible-unless-you-wipe-the-hard-drive viruses and shit, and THEN had to deal with the humiliation of speaking to a Dell customer service rep in Bangalore for 2 hours trying to get my computer vagina clean (No, I don't know how it got this way. No, I don't remember what site I was on. No, I don't want to send you my browser history.) I've been a little paranoid.

Plus it's dirt cheap. 8 cents a minute. You figure 5 minutes per wackoff, that's 40 cents. 40 cents to access over 5,000 clips that load right, look good, and aren't going to cut me off midway with an advertisement or something sketchy. Nothing kills a boner like searching around for shit and waiting. Why would I want to do that? I live in New York. I have enough inconvenience.

One of thing things I love most about my pay site is that it gets smarter over time. Like Netflix. It recommends things. I think I've totally thrown it for a loop though, because I've watched a few gay dude movies. All my hetero girlfriends are into dude-on-dude porn, I figured I'd give it a whirl.

Know what? Not for me. I like watching guys go all Page and Plant and almost makeout, or actually makeout. But straight on balls to the wall gay dude sex? Eh. S'okay. I'd rather watch the dudes with ladies. HELLO, MY NAME IS ERIN AND I AM BORING. I AM FROM THE MITTEN STATE.

Anyway, because of my brief dalliance into gay cinema, my porn site has inserted a permanent toggle button on my home page.

It says this:

Change to gay.

Isn't that awesome? Like I could just click a button and change myself into a gay person. I'm really thinking about doing it. I want to be a bear. Then I could date this creative director at my agency. He looks like a bear and I have the hugest crush on him. We would be amazing together. I was DEVASTATED when I found out his orientation on MySpace.


L said...

I just converted to WantedList, which is like porn Netflix, and I gotta say I love me some high-quality ridiculous artsy porn on DVD. I'm just too important and busy a person to waste time for lower quality and lame content.


Robert said...

Youporn.com is going to kill the pay sites. Why pay when people are giving it away for free?

Erin Bradley said...

Why pay when people are giving it away for free?

1. Because it's free of spam.
2. Because it's a clean, fast loading, super easy to use interface.
3. Because I know that all the models in the clips are over 18.
4. Because the clips are consistent in quality. I know what I'm getting.

It's the difference between rooting through a garbage can and going out to eat in a nice restaurant. Either way you get food, but I'm willing to pay a little more for the quality.

Robert said...

I'd analogize youporn.com more to a buffet than a garbage can. Also, there's no spam (and nothing odd has turned up on my computer), it loads reasonably fast if you have a high-speed line (which I assume you do), and the user ratings tend to be consistent with how I'd rate them. The production quality varies, but to me that's part of the charm. I haven't seen anything that looks underage, but then I also haven't been looking for it (squick). I'll believe you if you say what you like isn't there (mileage varies, as they say), but I'd much rather not have my credit card on file with a bunch of pornographers (have you seen all the uproar about shady practices over as SuicideGirls, for example?).

Marc said...

Yeah, I haven't paid for porn since the dawn of bittorrent. You obviously have well-thought-out reasons for doing so, though. I just try to avoid vices that cost money. Actual sex? Free.

L said...

Last I checked, the things that surround sex, IE drinks and or dating, do cost money. I've never masturbated then thought to myself "Self, that was a mistake."

Anonymous said...

So, SERIOUSLY, can we have the Official Third Armpit Porn-Site Endorsement? The world is waiting.

A porn site that gets smarter? We live in the future!

Now, spill it!