The Sands Goes Sanford & Son

What happens when a casino has a garage sale?

The Sands Atlantic City is closing after 26 years in business. For a $10 dollar admission my sister and I were able to traipse around all 21 floors, kind of like those twins in The Shining, only without the murder and blood-soaked tricycles.

We got to go everywhere. EVERYWHERE. The huge, industrial-sized kitchen. The maid's locker room. Penthouses, dumb waiters, the stage of the Copa where Frankie and the boys performed.

People were buying: blankets, bidets, hot tubs, pool tables, lighting fixtures, plates, couches, poker tables, cash registers, sugar caddies, champagne buckets, doors.

My sister bought some matches. I bought an iron. A hipstery looking guy at the register next to us was buying a bunch of hotel soaps and shampoos. I'm sure he'll sell those under "casino memorabilia" on eBay and make a fucking fortune.

I would have followed suit but the responsibilities of being an eBay seller are overwhelming and frightening. Weighing things? Finding addresses? Leaving the house before 4 p.m. to go to the post office? No thanks. I'd rather have handicapped quints with hyperactive disorders.

Now's the time where you put on any one of the following:

-That's Life, Frank Sinatra
-Hey There, Sammy Davis Jr.
-Memories Are Made of This, Dean Martin
-Side 2, Flash Gordon Soundtrack

and enjoy this touching photo tour.

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TOUCHING PHOTO TOUR STARTS NOW

Old casinos never die. They just get blown to tiny bits. If you wanna go ahead and call that "dying" I may disagree, but I won't stop you.

All those little white dots are where slot machines used to be. They were harvested and turned into a big bouquet for Donald Trump.

Here is a machine for cleaning vaginas, penises, and buttholes.

These room service trays were being sold for $8 dollars each. At first I thought that was a ripoff and then I realized they were all liberally dusted with blow.

This is what would happen if a KitchenAid appliance looked at a picture of the Enola Gay while sticking its dick in a robotic bird. The tag says "DOUGHMAKER: $800".

You can't see the detail but each of these clipboards is labeled "Daily Specials" Monday through Friday. That metal tube down there? KITCHENCOBRA.

Poor casino table. No one wants to play with you.

Here, I'll stick my head through the hole where your chip box used to be. Feel better? Thought so.

Who's that classy lady lounging in the penthouse suite?

Who's that other, EQUALLY CLASSY lady lounging in the penthouse suite?

THIS CONCLUDES OUR TOUR

Sorry, I don't really have anything that would make a good ending photo.

oh for fucksake

i joined iminlikewithyou now leave me alone. five invitations in four days. WHAT IS YOUR DEAL? i have been unbloggy lately. actually that's not true. i have been PRIVATEBLOGGING and locking the entries. the only movie nick cage was ever hot in was valley girl. i like it when he throws up in the alley. HOT AND VULNERABLE. also when he fucks the girl in the bathroom. the best song on the soundtrack is "johnny are you queer?" i went on a nerve date once with a dude who was totally closeted. it took me 15 min to realize b/c he was an actor. i thought he just liked to gesticulate. then he asked me about my perfume. straight dudes would never ask that question. they might say 'you smell good' but they wouldn't squeal and start talking about their signature cologne. i listened to this song on my walk home to the subway. then i committed a hate crime.