Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Mommy, what's "bitch slap rapping"?

junior year and senior of college i was obsessed with one thing: my biceps.

still pumped from having seen terminator 2 several years previous, i had somehow convinced myself that 4 times weekly gym sessions, embarrassing magazine subscriptions and foul-tasting supplements were the key to developing linda hamilton guns that would take the place of the stork-like linguini appendages i had inherited from my mother.

t2 was more than a movie to me. it was a way of thinking. a lifestyle. one that says it's ok for women to be old. it's ok for them to handle firearms, ride motorcycles, and beat the tar out of somebody.

not that i ever needed an OK, but still. it's always nice to have one. at one point i had linda hamilton pictures in my car, at my workplace, and in my gym locker.

my boyfriend never said anything, but i'm sure he must have found it more than a little odd. those days he spent most of his time trying to avoid me, as any face-to-face contact of longer than 5 minutes would lead to a solicitation for arm wrestling.

I KNOW I CAN TAKE YOU!
JUST ONE MORE TIME!
COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my biceps quest ended when, after a year of work, i happened upon ms. hamilton's workout routine in an old issue of entertainment weekly and discovered: 1. i had made very little progress, and 2. i'd never have the discipline nor the means to ford rivers, eat dry salads, or spend face time with a former israeli commando.

now along comes this new series: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

and grandma's a little worried. i gotta tell you.

to go from this:



to this:



just doesn't spell promising.

you can almost hear the discussion between the producers:




producer #1
But I don't get it. The main character isn't the robot.

producer #2
Yes, but the main character is O-L-D.

producer #3
So?

producer #1
We can't have an O-L-D promoting the series. How will we get sponsors?

producer #2
Good point. Let's go with the 20 year old ballet dancer.

producer #3
20? I thought you said she was 19.

producer #1
Get Jim on the horn. See if there's still time to cast a younger sister...




i'm being super judgmental though. i know very little about it. maybe it'll be really good.

one thing's for sure: NO SUPERFUCKINGAWESOME HIT VIDEO FEATURING A WHITE SPANDEX BICYCLE SHORTS-WEARING AXL ROSE.

7 comments:

pb said...

Based on current pictures, I think Axl Rose must have tried to use that "cyborg tissue generator" at the beginning of the video.

SG said...

Women with biceps are CRAZY hot.

When they're Linda Hamilton or Demi Moore style, not the bodybuilder kind with the veins n' shit.


Incidentally, the actress who plays the new Sarah Connor "mom" character on the new show? ALSO hot, biceps or no.

CC (fan from the old'n days) said...

The new Sarah Conner is insanely hot. The 20 year old terminator who has feelings (new and improved, I guess) has nothing on the hot brunette freedom-fightin' mama.

shadoian said...

First a Guns 'n' Roses video, then governorship of California.

It's still hard for me to take that in.

Anonymous said...

But you see it is easily fixed. They simply made the actor for the new Sarah Connor extremely young. I mean she's probably like 30.

And she's nothing like Linda Hamilton cool. Linda Hamilton could make me into a smudge on the floor, but this new chick - I could take her.

Joey Headset said...

Yeah, the actress playing Sarah Connor is plenty hott. Doesn't have LH's guns... but she's well cast. The show is actually quite decent as well. Old skool terminator action: none of the crazy ass amorphous blob nonsense (see T2) or dominatrix terminators shooting rockets out their ass (see T3).

Robert said...

The new show is great. And both women are hot (i guess you could call the terminatrix a Robo-babe!)