Friday, November 30, 2007

Area businesses report a shortage of Crest Whitestrips, Hummer limos, Magnum prophylactics & Paul Mitchell extra-strength sculpting gel

Oh. My. God. Just got this invite in my inbox.

The cast of Entourage hosting an event at the HAWAIIAN TROPIC ZONE????? It's like the Halley's comet of douche supernovas.

I hope K-Fed's free. If not, I've got this one guy who tried to sexually assault me at an MSU frat party in 1996 as backup.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Separated at Birth


Skin Grafts

rashy lingerie

I'm out of drawers. I've been freeballin' in mom jeans for the past 2 weeks. The mom jeans I didn't know were mom jeans when I bought them.

They looked cute in the dressing room then I looked in the bathroom mirror at work and noticed my ass was all puffy in odd places, like I was wearing adult diapers.

Couldn't take it anymore and I'll be a freeze-dried piece of fish jerky if I'm going to do laundry.

Went to Old Navy and picked out some drawers. 5 for $20. Can't beat that. I grab those and a velour hoodie and glance at myself in the mirror on the way to the register.

I notice I have three bright red welts on my face, a raccoon-like mask of blotches spanning my cheeks. I look like an Irish version of the Hamburglar or that Seal guy.

Something about that store - I don't know if it's the cleaning products they use or some chemical they spray on their clothes. This is not the first time it's happened. I have to remember when I'm shopping to not touch my face.

It's kinda fucked up. Can't be healthy. But the upside to all that child labor and carcinogens is this: T-SHIRTS FOR $8! TANK TOPS FOR $1.99.

You know who doesn't shop at Old Navy? Those kids on that TLC show, Kids By The Dozen.

Man I love the Winters family. They take the best parts of being Amish (living simply, shunning modern bullshit) and leave the Jesus and sexism out of it.

They make their own SOAP! They bake bread! Life is one big bake sale and I like to imagine they never have any problems.

I'm going to order one of their dresses then invite some bearded hipster dude over. We'll roll around on straw ticking and muslin sheets and do a little Charles giving Laura Ingalls a spanking role play.