Thursday, October 4, 2007

keyword: frightening

mommy, why is the google g the scary movie horror ball?

type in the wrong thing and you might get SLICED.

i am afraid to do searches now.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Help A Single! Celebrate National Pork Month!

Did you know that October is National Pork Month?


To celebrate, I'm helping YOU help your single best friends and bartenders get porked.

[[Keep in mind porked doesn't necessarily mean sexual activity. Porked could mean a trip to the petting zoo or sharing a cup of Sanka while reading Charlotte's Web. This is about meeting new people and dating. No one's out to embarrass anyone in front of anyone's mother.]]


Each day next week, October 8th through 12th, I'll feature an eligible bachelor or bachelorette on my MySpace blog.

No identifying information will be made public - just a first name, a photo, a few fun facts and a general location.

Single readers can respond to whomever strikes their fancy using the super cool special private email address I set up.

All couples that go on an actual date will featured in an upcoming column.


Featured singles and the person who puts them up to it will recieve this durable, stylish bacon wallet.*

*Unfortunately, not edible. Don't think grandma didn't try...


Email with the following information:

-Your first name

-Your friend's first name

-Your friend's photo (sorry, no nudie shots)

-A few fun facts about your friend, including their dating area, what team they swing for, and (of course) whether they're a best friend or a bartender

-Your friend's email address for verification purposes


I'll be accepting entries until 8:00 p.m. Thursday the 11th. Earlier entries will be given top consideration, so hurry your ass up.


Q: Why best friends and bartenders?

Read this week's column.

Q: Can I submit myself?

A: Sure, why not.

Q: Are you POSITIVE you're not going to give out my personal email/last name/address/dating profile/bust measurements, etc.?

Yes. I pinky swear promise.

Q: I still don't get it. Can I email you with questions?

Sure. Same email as above:

Monday, October 1, 2007

jingle hell

cubemate is working on a jingle and has yet to master the use of a private conference room and/or headphones.

it's not even a jingle, really. it's a 2 second sound attached to a particular action on a website. not sure of the technical term.

the three hundred thousand dollar auditory annoyance? around how much the client's paying for it.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

site of the day, if i did a feature called site of the day

lolcats + post secret = lolsecretz, the most glorious thing the internet has ever invented.

here's creature, making his debut.

i highly urge you to check it out. there is no better way to spend a monday.


I'm in love with you, Milla. I started life hating you, because you were on the cover of 17 magazine and you were only 11 years old.

At that time I wanted more than anything to be a model. Everyone said "You're too young," which is code for, "You're not so ugly that the notion is laughable, but you're no 6 foot tall 89 lb clear-skinned doe-eyed ball of sex, either."

I took their comments at face value and thought age was the only thing holding me back. Seeing miss Milla on the June 1988 covered signaled the end of a dream.

Anyway, all is forgiven.

My love for you started building with movies 3 through 1, but now.


Oh my God, Milla. YOU LOVE KILLING. I really believe this. You are pathological. Normally you can't act worth a fuck but in this movie you really seem like you enjoying maiming people.

Is there something going on in your personal life? A yeast infection? A divorce?

Whatever you're doing, don't change it. About 47 minutes in there was a point where I squinted my eyes and I swear I saw Scarface.

Do you understand what that means? Do you understand that for movie killings this is the highest compliment possible?

I want to work for Umbrella Corp, just to be close to you. As Official Event Coordinator, I would hire Rihanna to play Umbrella at the Fall 2007 "Up With Zombies!" sales conference.

You would like that, Milla. I know you would.