i've been watching infomercials since before i was born.
the name "erin" comes from an actress in a 3 o'clock (as in, in the morning) movie my moms was watching.
i was a shitty pregnancy. always keeping my mom up. kicking and kicking. turning and tossing.
i now present to you "pearl cream" - tell me if this woman isn't a distant relative of barbara wahwah....
Obama got the votes to make ya booty go SNAP!
*I'm aware this is Luda, not Usher. I tried to get a photo of the former with the candidate in question but he was busy applying Turtle Wax to his pectoral muscles and healing sick children with his stomach.
Too bad elections aren't won on looks alone, or I would immediately switch my voting affiliation to the Adorable Casual Black Fonzie Party.
Who are YOU supporting? More importantly, why?
I pay for pornography. I know that's probably weird for you. I'm sorry.
Ever since I got my first laptop and went on a smut hunt and infected my computer with all sorts of horrible, damn near irreversible-unless-you-wipe-the-hard-drive viruses and shit, and THEN had to deal with the humiliation of speaking to a Dell customer service rep in Bangalore for 2 hours trying to get my computer vagina clean (No, I don't know how it got this way. No, I don't remember what site I was on. No, I don't want to send you my browser history.) I've been a little paranoid.
Plus it's dirt cheap. 8 cents a minute. You figure 5 minutes per wackoff, that's 40 cents. 40 cents to access over 5,000 clips that load right, look good, and aren't going to cut me off midway with an advertisement or something sketchy. Nothing kills a boner like searching around for shit and waiting. Why would I want to do that? I live in New York. I have enough inconvenience.
One of thing things I love most about my pay site is that it gets smarter over time. Like Netflix. It recommends things. I think I've totally thrown it for a loop though, because I've watched a few gay dude movies. All my hetero girlfriends are into dude-on-dude porn, I figured I'd give it a whirl.
Know what? Not for me. I like watching guys go all Page and Plant and almost makeout, or actually makeout. But straight on balls to the wall gay dude sex? Eh. S'okay. I'd rather watch the dudes with ladies. HELLO, MY NAME IS ERIN AND I AM BORING. I AM FROM THE MITTEN STATE.
Anyway, because of my brief dalliance into gay cinema, my porn site has inserted a permanent toggle button on my home page.
It says this:
Oh. My. God. Just got this invite in my inbox.
The cast of Entourage hosting an event at the HAWAIIAN TROPIC ZONE????? It's like the Halley's comet of douche supernovas.
I hope K-Fed's free. If not, I've got this one guy who tried to sexually assault me at an MSU frat party in 1996 as backup.
I'm out of drawers. I've been freeballin' in mom jeans for the past 2 weeks. The mom jeans I didn't know were mom jeans when I bought them.
They looked cute in the dressing room then I looked in the bathroom mirror at work and noticed my ass was all puffy in odd places, like I was wearing adult diapers.
Couldn't take it anymore and I'll be a freeze-dried piece of fish jerky if I'm going to do laundry.
Went to Old Navy and picked out some drawers. 5 for $20. Can't beat that. I grab those and a velour hoodie and glance at myself in the mirror on the way to the register.
I notice I have three bright red welts on my face, a raccoon-like mask of blotches spanning my cheeks. I look like an Irish version of the Hamburglar or that Seal guy.
Something about that store - I don't know if it's the cleaning products they use or some chemical they spray on their clothes. This is not the first time it's happened. I have to remember when I'm shopping to not touch my face.
It's kinda fucked up. Can't be healthy. But the upside to all that child labor and carcinogens is this: T-SHIRTS FOR $8! TANK TOPS FOR $1.99.
You know who doesn't shop at Old Navy? Those kids on that TLC show, Kids By The Dozen.
Man I love the Winters family. They take the best parts of being Amish (living simply, shunning modern bullshit) and leave the Jesus and sexism out of it.
They make their own SOAP! They bake bread! Life is one big bake sale and I like to imagine they never have any problems.
I'm going to order one of their dresses then invite some bearded hipster dude over. We'll roll around on straw ticking and muslin sheets and do a little Charles giving Laura Ingalls a spanking role play.
