Thursday, November 29, 2007

rashy lingerie


I'm out of drawers. I've been freeballin' in mom jeans for the past 2 weeks. The mom jeans I didn't know were mom jeans when I bought them.

They looked cute in the dressing room then I looked in the bathroom mirror at work and noticed my ass was all puffy in odd places, like I was wearing adult diapers.

Couldn't take it anymore and I'll be a freeze-dried piece of fish jerky if I'm going to do laundry.

Went to Old Navy and picked out some drawers. 5 for $20. Can't beat that. I grab those and a velour hoodie and glance at myself in the mirror on the way to the register.

I notice I have three bright red welts on my face, a raccoon-like mask of blotches spanning my cheeks. I look like an Irish version of the Hamburglar or that Seal guy.

Something about that store - I don't know if it's the cleaning products they use or some chemical they spray on their clothes. This is not the first time it's happened. I have to remember when I'm shopping to not touch my face.

It's kinda fucked up. Can't be healthy. But the upside to all that child labor and carcinogens is this: T-SHIRTS FOR $8! TANK TOPS FOR $1.99.

You know who doesn't shop at Old Navy? Those kids on that TLC show, Kids By The Dozen.

Man I love the Winters family. They take the best parts of being Amish (living simply, shunning modern bullshit) and leave the Jesus and sexism out of it.

They make their own SOAP! They bake bread! Life is one big bake sale and I like to imagine they never have any problems.

I'm going to order one of their dresses then invite some bearded hipster dude over. We'll roll around on straw ticking and muslin sheets and do a little Charles giving Laura Ingalls a spanking role play.

LESBOS!

5 comments:

mintzworks said...

Oh YES. My ex g/f would break out in complete rashy lupus hives after brushing by an Old Navy item.

The mantra has long been known in these here parts to wash Old Navy (and Gap) stuff well before wearing.

and GGM, fer crissakes, wear clean panties, for you never know when you'll be in a car accident!*

*double funny, for those who don't realize GGM is a New Yawk Gurl who uses public transpo always.

Joey Headset said...

You think Old Navy is cheap? Clearly you haven't experienced the bittersweet rapture of purchasing undergarments at Wal-Mart. Socks so cheap, it's probably more cost effective to buy new socks than to wash them! Sure, you're contributing to the Destruction of Amercia... but that ship left port so long ago, it's hardly worth feeling guilt over.

BTW... The Irish Hamburglar? What, does he steal potatoes?

lonerhino said...

Yes Yea I was typing yes but it kept coming up yea.. Glad to here 'THAT' voice again. Free ride dude that I am.... (Pynchonsbitch.blogspot.com)

Anway self abregnation aside the voice the voice at most/ least when you cut loose. It's like an intricate solo...with chords...My speech suspends/leaves me. You write so well.

Oh yea Old NAVY um stuff right?

jesse lee said...

so i went to the winters family website and checked out the wares. oh irony of ironies....the amish family is making kid jammies that have CARS on them. wtf? the home page has a horse-drawn wagon on it, but they're selling jammies with friggin' cars. nice.

Erin Bradley said...

Well they're only *kinda* Amish. Like how Larry Craig is *kinda* gay. They do use cars and electricity and stuff. The Amish-esque part is they have an emphasis on self-sufficiency (making their own clothes, food, soap, etc.) and staying away from mainstream culture.