keyword: frightening

mommy, why is the google g the scary movie horror ball?

type in the wrong thing and you might get SLICED.

i am afraid to do searches now.

Help A Single! Celebrate National Pork Month!

Did you know that October is National Pork Month?

YOU DO NOW.



To celebrate, I'm helping YOU help your single best friends and bartenders get porked.

[[Keep in mind porked doesn't necessarily mean sexual activity. Porked could mean a trip to the petting zoo or sharing a cup of Sanka while reading Charlotte's Web. This is about meeting new people and dating. No one's out to embarrass anyone in front of anyone's mother.]]

HERE'S THE DEAL

Each day next week, October 8th through 12th, I'll feature an eligible bachelor or bachelorette on my MySpace blog.

No identifying information will be made public - just a first name, a photo, a few fun facts and a general location.

Single readers can respond to whomever strikes their fancy using the super cool special private email address I set up.

All couples that go on an actual date will featured in an upcoming column.

ZOMG! PRIZES!

Featured singles and the person who puts them up to it will recieve this durable, stylish bacon wallet.*


*Unfortunately, not edible. Don't think grandma didn't try...

HOW TO ENTER

Email erin@nerve.com with the following information:

-Your first name

-Your friend's first name

-Your friend's photo (sorry, no nudie shots)

-A few fun facts about your friend, including their dating area, what team they swing for, and (of course) whether they're a best friend or a bartender

-Your friend's email address for verification purposes

DEADLINE

I'll be accepting entries until 8:00 p.m. Thursday the 11th. Earlier entries will be given top consideration, so hurry your ass up.

QUESTIONS

Q: Why best friends and bartenders?

A: Read this week's column.


Q: Can I submit myself?

A: Sure, why not.


Q: Are you POSITIVE you're not going to give out my personal email/last name/address/dating profile/bust measurements, etc.?

A: Yes. I pinky swear promise.


Q: I still don't get it. Can I email you with questions?

A: Sure. Same email as above: erin@nerve.com

jingle hell

cubemate is working on a jingle and has yet to master the use of a private conference room and/or headphones.

it's not even a jingle, really. it's a 2 second sound attached to a particular action on a website. not sure of the technical term.

the three hundred thousand dollar auditory annoyance? around how much the client's paying for it.

site of the day, if i did a feature called site of the day

lolcats + post secret = lolsecretz, the most glorious thing the internet has ever invented.

here's creature, making his debut.


i highly urge you to check it out. there is no better way to spend a monday.

residency

I'm in love with you, Milla. I started life hating you, because you were on the cover of 17 magazine and you were only 11 years old.

At that time I wanted more than anything to be a model. Everyone said "You're too young," which is code for, "You're not so ugly that the notion is laughable, but you're no 6 foot tall 89 lb clear-skinned doe-eyed ball of sex, either."

I took their comments at face value and thought age was the only thing holding me back. Seeing miss Milla on the June 1988 covered signaled the end of a dream.



Anyway, all is forgiven.

My love for you started building with movies 3 through 1, but now.

NOW NOW NOW NOW.

Oh my God, Milla. YOU LOVE KILLING. I really believe this. You are pathological. Normally you can't act worth a fuck but in this movie you really seem like you enjoying maiming people.



Is there something going on in your personal life? A yeast infection? A divorce?

Whatever you're doing, don't change it. About 47 minutes in there was a point where I squinted my eyes and I swear I saw Scarface.

Do you understand what that means? Do you understand that for movie killings this is the highest compliment possible?

I want to work for Umbrella Corp, just to be close to you. As Official Event Coordinator, I would hire Rihanna to play Umbrella at the Fall 2007 "Up With Zombies!" sales conference.

You would like that, Milla. I know you would.

shit list + boys

sometimes you poop and it looks like letters.

letters i have pooped:

O
I
J (can count as candy cane during the holidays)
U
H (slightly crooked)
W (almost)

i think z would have to be considered the most elusive. that's something you'd have to devote your whole life.


the TP Saver Toilet Paper Lock helps prevent toilet tissue waste by babies, toddlers, and pets. more importantly, it "reduces the risk of paper ingestion." get yours now.

attack of the klon

i'm not supposed to be looking at online personals because aaron bet me i couldn't go for 30 days without going on a date and i'm going to try to take him up on his bet.

i don't normally do stuff like that. take people up on their bets. either i do something and don't tell anybody i'm going to do it until it's done (like when i quit smoking) or i decide i won't do that thing and fuck you and your stupid bet. fuck your march madness brackets and your intermural volleyball team too.

i haven't slept more than 5 hours a night in i don't know how long and my psoriasis is coming back (how disgusting is this post? feces AND skin conditions. SOMEBODY FUCK ME!) and i've gotten sick twice in the last month. anxiety/stress manifesting itself in all this physical junk. so i went to see the psych the other day. he gave me klonopin.

one thing i've noticed about captain klon is that he makes you mellow while reading personals ads.

like i can read 'i am 49 and pock-marked and overweight and ugly and have a picture of me in a scuba diving suit and another one of me holding a bud lite and wearing a novelty foam visor but i'm looking for a 20-something female SLENDER AND PETITE ONLY!'

before i would read that and start writing a letter to the vagina governor.

now i just go huh. how 'bout that. good for that guy. and move on.

ANNOUNCEMENTS MADE CLASSIER BECAUSE THEY ARE IN ROMAN NUMERALS

ROMAN NUMERAL NUMBER ONE

Q: Is there anyone hotter than a Convoy-era Kris Kristofferson?

A: No.



ROMAN NUMERAL NUMBER TWO

My friend Stephen and his brother Joel are competing in this batshit crazy contest sponsored by Delta.

It's down to the last two teams and they need your VOTES in order to win the grand prize of 1 MILLION FREQUENT FLYER MILES.

The final round of voting ends midnight Wednesday, which is TONIGHT.

You have to register (use BugMeNot) and watch both videos in order to vote. Kind of a drag, but the good thing is that you can minimize the screen and have it running while you're doing something else.

YOU GO HERE NOW!

If you've never met Stephen and Joel, they are two of the nicest people in the world.

Neither is as attractive as Kris Kristofferson, but they still deserve your vote.



ROMAN NUMBERAL NUMBER THREE

I've been having a shitty run.

In the past two weeks:

-work computer died and my hard drive was wiped
-scary subway incident
-stood up by boy
-got a 'step it up, kid' talk from my boss

It's looking up though. I just caught strep throat.