Friday, September 28, 2007

shit list + boys

sometimes you poop and it looks like letters.

letters i have pooped:

J (can count as candy cane during the holidays)
H (slightly crooked)
W (almost)

i think z would have to be considered the most elusive. that's something you'd have to devote your whole life.

the TP Saver Toilet Paper Lock helps prevent toilet tissue waste by babies, toddlers, and pets. more importantly, it "reduces the risk of paper ingestion." get yours now.

attack of the klon

i'm not supposed to be looking at online personals because aaron bet me i couldn't go for 30 days without going on a date and i'm going to try to take him up on his bet.

i don't normally do stuff like that. take people up on their bets. either i do something and don't tell anybody i'm going to do it until it's done (like when i quit smoking) or i decide i won't do that thing and fuck you and your stupid bet. fuck your march madness brackets and your intermural volleyball team too.

i haven't slept more than 5 hours a night in i don't know how long and my psoriasis is coming back (how disgusting is this post? feces AND skin conditions. SOMEBODY FUCK ME!) and i've gotten sick twice in the last month. anxiety/stress manifesting itself in all this physical junk. so i went to see the psych the other day. he gave me klonopin.

one thing i've noticed about captain klon is that he makes you mellow while reading personals ads.

like i can read 'i am 49 and pock-marked and overweight and ugly and have a picture of me in a scuba diving suit and another one of me holding a bud lite and wearing a novelty foam visor but i'm looking for a 20-something female SLENDER AND PETITE ONLY!'

before i would read that and start writing a letter to the vagina governor.

now i just go huh. how 'bout that. good for that guy. and move on.


Edward said...

I'm pretty sure next time I have sex I'm going to have to ask her to wear a novelty foam visor.

SG said...

Where is this Vagina Governor, and how can I submit my complaints to her? I think I may've gotten a bad batch a couple weeks ago and I'd like a credit.

Simon David Winthrop said...

Wear it? My god man, utilize it!

Paul said...

An H?

How the smeg did you do an H?!

(... and how is a crooked H different to a Z?)

(I've heard that if you poo in the water, like at the beach or in your bosses pool, it doesn't break up and it just comes out like one long snake. I guess you could make that into any letter you wanted. You could even do it in that funny 'incursive' handwriting you all do over there.)

This is completely foul - but you started it.

Love you madly,


Paul said...

I just checked back to see whether my comment was too foul to post, (it wasn't).

I'm now really perplexed by the 'O'.

How can an 'O' happen, (even in the boss's pool)??

Do you do a big one, take a deep breath and then fire a small one right through the middle??

K-A-T said...

Holy crap, I wish we could be friends in real life.

Anonymous said...

Cut the dairy to deal with your psoriasis.