drape ape

Spent 45 minutes at Bed, Bath & Beyond yesterday,
FREAKING OUT over curtains.

What are curtains? How do people use them? What kind should I buy? How long? What color? Perhaps I should consider a non-curtain alternative, such as blinds. Why are curtains so expensive?

I know! I will buy a pair off eBay. Something awesome and rust-colored, with little eagles and Holly Hobby flowers. Eames - but not cheap ripoff Eames like they do at Target and IKEA. Affordable Eames. Yeah, right.

Went home. Bought nothing.

Around midnight I decide to make my own curtains, using a staple gun and some fabric my sister gave me. I basically just stapled that shit directly to the wall. THERE. Curtains.

Oh look, it's even cuter when I tie this here little piece of ribbon around them and drape them artfully to one side. ZOMG! NESTING! ROCK!

this morning i take a shower and am blowing-drying my hair in the living room - nekkid, as per routine.

i glance out the window and realize 3, count 'em 1-2-3, construction workers on the roof next door are all lined up like ducks at a carnival, staring at my vaginabusiness.

any feeling of violation is completely trumped by the delciousness of the irony.

ceci n'est pas une inept landlord

my kitchen sink faucet is hot to the touch.

really hot, like when you've been running the hot water.

only i haven't been running the hot water.

what's next? a flaming toilet?

anyone with plumbing/home fix-it knowledge care to explain this phenomenon?

T.I. I love you.

I love your boyish good looks. Your honey-colored skin. The way you think you scare everybody, even though you only weigh 135 pounds. I love your southern accent. Your repeated failure to encunciate. That yellow sweatshirt you have on. Your eyebrows.

With so much love coming from one woman, why do you feel the need to buy machine guns? I know they are an accessory. A part of your lifestyle and persona.

But you are not allowed because you are a convicted felon. Owning a gun means you go to jail. Jail is where they do things to your butt.

I like your butt. And your face. I would like to preserve their integrity.

Perhaps there's a substitute. Something that will feel as badass and be as good for your image as a machine gun, but without the nasty illegal side effects.

A robotic pit bull?



A Bentley outfitted with this 125 lb magnet developed by researchers at Georgia Tech that can wipe all information off a hard drive without even being in the same room? Think about your enemies. Think how much that would fucking suck. Erasing data is the new drive-by.



Maybe you could go old school and just throw poop in Louis Vuitton bags with gold-embossed monograms.



I just want you to think about this a little is all I'm saying. I love you. I'll call you later tonight.

meow meow DRESS meow meow

meow meow EBAY meow meow, meow meow WIN meow meow. meow meow HOPEFUL.

meow.

product shots

National Pork Month Singles Jamboree is still going strong.



why does flavored cremora have to be so fattening?

i am unphased by advil.

does anyone know of a good bra?

NATIONAL PORK MONTH SINGLE: BRIAN

Who is this Brian fellow? Why should I get to know him? Why would a pig ever be friends with a spider? Are any dogs actually stupid enough to be fooled by Snausages?

VISIT MY BLOG, KUBLA KHAN!

Want to be the next NATIONAL PORK MONTH SINGLE?

Find out how!

union square 6:45 p.m.

almost stepped on dave chappelle's foot outside PETCO.