My new employer is forcing me to use a Mac. FUCKING TRAVESTY. I hate Macs. I like PCs. I don't care that I'm supposed to like Macs. I DON'T LIKE MACS AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME. There are some people that believed the world was flat. They were wrong but BETTER SAFE THAN FALL OFF THE EDGE AND/OR BE EATEN BY MYTHICAL DRAGONS. Oh yeah, and my company was just bought by Microsoft. Like 3 days ago. How's that for irony?
I'm torn. I love Zach Galifianakis. I dream of being his girlfriend. That way I can have the physical aesthetic I want (beard, unkempt hair, dirty sport coat) without having to bed down with an actual hobo. But this video. I think he'd be a really bad wedding date. And that's the measure of a man, really. Like death and genital reassignment surgery, weddings are one of those things we all have to go through. If you can't lighten up and adopt an attitude of "I am at a wedding. I am going to act silly so the next 5 hours aren't so shitty and horrible," then I'm not really going to want to be around you. And half-ass rocking out is so much worse than full-on rocking out. Either firebomb the place, take a shit on the floor, and flip the bird OR get down to your stocking feet and dance like you're Jackson #6 of the Jackson 5. Smirking and raising your eyebrow like you're the first person to figure out that the situation is stupid and embarrassing is easy comedy and makes you look like a smug prick.
Have you been to Death & Company? You should go. All the bartenders have handlebar mustaches and wear old-timey clothes. Everything is done with a flourish. I watched one make a drink and then pour a half drop of some sort of liquor over the back of a spoon. Not the front. The back. The back of the spoon. Then he leaned over and sniffed it like it was some exotic pussy covered in gold leaf and stuffed with saffron before presenting it to the customer. I have a headache now. I do not do well with rich food. I have to work on my script. I need to get at least a half hour in before Golden Girls.
What happens when a casino has a garage sale?
The Sands Atlantic City is closing after 26 years in business. For a $10 dollar admission my sister and I were able to traipse around all 21 floors, kind of like those twins in The Shining, only without the murder and blood-soaked tricycles.
We got to go everywhere. EVERYWHERE. The huge, industrial-sized kitchen. The maid's locker room. Penthouses, dumb waiters, the stage of the Copa where Frankie and the boys performed.
People were buying: blankets, bidets, hot tubs, pool tables, lighting fixtures, plates, couches, poker tables, cash registers, sugar caddies, champagne buckets, doors.
My sister bought some matches. I bought an iron. A hipstery looking guy at the register next to us was buying a bunch of hotel soaps and shampoos. I'm sure he'll sell those under "casino memorabilia" on eBay and make a fucking fortune.
I would have followed suit but the responsibilities of being an eBay seller are overwhelming and frightening. Weighing things? Finding addresses? Leaving the house before 4 p.m. to go to the post office? No thanks. I'd rather have handicapped quints with hyperactive disorders.
Now's the time where you put on any one of the following:
-That's Life, Frank Sinatra
-Hey There, Sammy Davis Jr.
-Memories Are Made of This, Dean Martin
-Side 2, Flash Gordon Soundtrack
and enjoy this touching photo tour.
Old casinos never die. They just get blown to tiny bits. If you wanna go ahead and call that "dying" I may disagree, but I won't stop you.
All those little white dots are where slot machines used to be. They were harvested and turned into a big bouquet for Donald Trump.
Here is a machine for cleaning vaginas, penises, and buttholes. 
These room service trays were being sold for $8 dollars each. At first I thought that was a ripoff and then I realized they were all liberally dusted with blow.
This is what would happen if a KitchenAid appliance looked at a picture of the Enola Gay while sticking its dick in a robotic bird. The tag says "DOUGHMAKER: $800".
You can't see the detail but each of these clipboards is labeled "Daily Specials" Monday through Friday. That metal tube down there? KITCHENCOBRA.
Poor casino table. No one wants to play with you.
Here, I'll stick my head through the hole where your chip box used to be. Feel better? Thought so. 
Who's that classy lady lounging in the penthouse suite?
Who's that other, EQUALLY CLASSY lady lounging in the penthouse suite?
Sorry, I don't really have anything that would make a good ending photo.
i joined iminlikewithyou now leave me alone. five invitations in four days. WHAT IS YOUR DEAL? i have been unbloggy lately. actually that's not true. i have been PRIVATEBLOGGING and locking the entries. the only movie nick cage was ever hot in was valley girl. i like it when he throws up in the alley. HOT AND VULNERABLE. also when he fucks the girl in the bathroom. the best song on the soundtrack is "johnny are you queer?" i went on a nerve date once with a dude who was totally closeted. it took me 15 min to realize b/c he was an actor. i thought he just liked to gesticulate. then he asked me about my perfume. straight dudes would never ask that question. they might say 'you smell good' but they wouldn't squeal and start talking about their signature cologne. i listened to this song on my walk home to the subway. then i committed a hate crime.
Leaving tomorrow for Atlantic City. Saturday is my birthday and my sister and I are going to see Weird Al. I am not "geeked" or "excited" or "psyched." I AM FUCKING THRILLED. Friday we are going to drink boozes and walk the boardwalk. I am going to show my sis the one lounge in the Trump casino where the hookers go to pick up johns. It's all very out in the open. Maybe we'll get mistaken for hookers and get caught in a sting and won't get to see Mr. Burt Reynolds like that one episode of The Golden Girls. Saturday is beaching, then concerting. Is it going to be warm enough to be outdoors in bathing attire? 65 degrees is fairly warm, right? God I hate swimsuits. The colors are revolting. Fruity tropical Dance Party USA Saved By the Bell Kelly Kapowski. But black ones make me look like a Romanian prison warden. I had a vintage one that was nice but I lost it. I think I did it on purpose because a used swimsuit is kind of gross. Someone's crotch has been marinating in it for HOURS. Sunday we are going home and then all next week is mad busy with work/random appointments. WEIRD AL WEIRD AL WEIRD AL WEIRD AL. BTW, this is his him.
I have advised total strangers to zip up their zippers. The first was a middle-aged woman in the elevator at my shrink's office. She made such a production out of zipping it up and was so obvious and nonchalant that I really regretted all the quiet secret code hand gestures I cycled through to communicate this information. She probably thinks I'm an uptight WASP. Which is true. Sort of. I'm uptight about certain things, like I won't date a guy who doesn't have a strong handshake but I'm also OK with that guy Frenching other guys and wearing eyeliner. The second was a guy on the N train. I've seen him before. His shoes always coordinate with his outfits. Not coordinate as in black shoes with black suit and brown shoes with brown suit. GET YOUR FUCKING HEAD ON, SON. He will wear a lavender and cream colored suit and the shoes will be lavender and cream colored loafers. I think he shares bloodlines with Morris Day and Aresnio. So I looked at him and silently gestured and he gave me a flirty smile, like "Yeah baby, I know you're looking at me. You think I'm hot." I gestured again and he finally got with the program. After that I felt really bad for him. I almost wanted to get off at Port Authority and offer him a consolation BJer but then I remembered my policy about not giving BJers to guys with bad shoes that I meet on the subway.
