T.I. I love you.
I love your boyish good looks. Your honey-colored skin. The way you think you scare everybody, even though you only weigh 135 pounds. I love your southern accent. Your repeated failure to encunciate. That yellow sweatshirt you have on. Your eyebrows.
With so much love coming from one woman, why do you feel the need to buy machine guns? I know they are an accessory. A part of your lifestyle and persona.
But you are not allowed because you are a convicted felon. Owning a gun means you go to jail. Jail is where they do things to your butt.
I like your butt. And your face. I would like to preserve their integrity.
Perhaps there's a substitute. Something that will feel as badass and be as good for your image as a machine gun, but without the nasty illegal side effects.
A robotic pit bull? 
A Bentley outfitted with this 125 lb magnet developed by researchers at Georgia Tech that can wipe all information off a hard drive without even being in the same room? Think about your enemies. Think how much that would fucking suck. Erasing data is the new drive-by.
Maybe you could go old school and just throw poop in Louis Vuitton bags with gold-embossed monograms.
I just want you to think about this a little is all I'm saying. I love you. I'll call you later tonight.
Friday, October 19, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
meow meow DRESS meow meow
meow meow EBAY meow meow, meow meow WIN meow meow. meow meow HOPEFUL.
meow.
Friday, October 12, 2007
product shots
National Pork Month Singles Jamboree is still going strong.
why does flavored cremora have to be so fattening?
i am unphased by advil.
does anyone know of a good bra?
Monday, October 8, 2007
NATIONAL PORK MONTH SINGLE: BRIAN
Who is this Brian fellow? Why should I get to know him? Why would a pig ever be friends with a spider? Are any dogs actually stupid enough to be fooled by Snausages?
Want to be the next NATIONAL PORK MONTH SINGLE?
Find out how!
Sunday, October 7, 2007
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Thursday, October 4, 2007
keyword: frightening
mommy, why is the google g the scary movie horror ball?
type in the wrong thing and you might get SLICED.
i am afraid to do searches now.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Help A Single! Celebrate National Pork Month!
Did you know that October is National Pork Month?
To celebrate, I'm helping YOU help your single best friends and bartenders get porked.
[[Keep in mind porked doesn't necessarily mean sexual activity. Porked could mean a trip to the petting zoo or sharing a cup of Sanka while reading Charlotte's Web. This is about meeting new people and dating. No one's out to embarrass anyone in front of anyone's mother.]]
Each day next week, October 8th through 12th, I'll feature an eligible bachelor or bachelorette on my MySpace blog.
No identifying information will be made public - just a first name, a photo, a few fun facts and a general location.
Single readers can respond to whomever strikes their fancy using the super cool special private email address I set up.
All couples that go on an actual date will featured in an upcoming column.
Featured singles and the person who puts them up to it will recieve this durable, stylish bacon wallet.*
*Unfortunately, not edible. Don't think grandma didn't try...
Email erin@nerve.com with the following information:
-Your first name
-Your friend's first name
-Your friend's photo (sorry, no nudie shots)
-A few fun facts about your friend, including their dating area, what team they swing for, and (of course) whether they're a best friend or a bartender
-Your friend's email address for verification purposes
I'll be accepting entries until 8:00 p.m. Thursday the 11th. Earlier entries will be given top consideration, so hurry your ass up.
Q: Why best friends and bartenders?
A: Read this week's column.
Q: Can I submit myself?
A: Sure, why not.
Q: Are you POSITIVE you're not going to give out my personal email/last name/address/dating profile/bust measurements, etc.?
A: Yes. I pinky swear promise.
Q: I still don't get it. Can I email you with questions?
A: Sure. Same email as above: erin@nerve.com
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