The Sands Goes Sanford & Son

What happens when a casino has a garage sale?

The Sands Atlantic City is closing after 26 years in business. For a $10 dollar admission my sister and I were able to traipse around all 21 floors, kind of like those twins in The Shining, only without the murder and blood-soaked tricycles.

We got to go everywhere. EVERYWHERE. The huge, industrial-sized kitchen. The maid's locker room. Penthouses, dumb waiters, the stage of the Copa where Frankie and the boys performed.

People were buying: blankets, bidets, hot tubs, pool tables, lighting fixtures, plates, couches, poker tables, cash registers, sugar caddies, champagne buckets, doors.

My sister bought some matches. I bought an iron. A hipstery looking guy at the register next to us was buying a bunch of hotel soaps and shampoos. I'm sure he'll sell those under "casino memorabilia" on eBay and make a fucking fortune.

I would have followed suit but the responsibilities of being an eBay seller are overwhelming and frightening. Weighing things? Finding addresses? Leaving the house before 4 p.m. to go to the post office? No thanks. I'd rather have handicapped quints with hyperactive disorders.

Now's the time where you put on any one of the following:

-That's Life, Frank Sinatra
-Hey There, Sammy Davis Jr.
-Memories Are Made of This, Dean Martin
-Side 2, Flash Gordon Soundtrack

and enjoy this touching photo tour.

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TOUCHING PHOTO TOUR STARTS NOW

Old casinos never die. They just get blown to tiny bits. If you wanna go ahead and call that "dying" I may disagree, but I won't stop you.

All those little white dots are where slot machines used to be. They were harvested and turned into a big bouquet for Donald Trump.

Here is a machine for cleaning vaginas, penises, and buttholes.

These room service trays were being sold for $8 dollars each. At first I thought that was a ripoff and then I realized they were all liberally dusted with blow.

This is what would happen if a KitchenAid appliance looked at a picture of the Enola Gay while sticking its dick in a robotic bird. The tag says "DOUGHMAKER: $800".

You can't see the detail but each of these clipboards is labeled "Daily Specials" Monday through Friday. That metal tube down there? KITCHENCOBRA.

Poor casino table. No one wants to play with you.

Here, I'll stick my head through the hole where your chip box used to be. Feel better? Thought so.

Who's that classy lady lounging in the penthouse suite?

Who's that other, EQUALLY CLASSY lady lounging in the penthouse suite?

THIS CONCLUDES OUR TOUR

Sorry, I don't really have anything that would make a good ending photo.

oh for fucksake

i joined iminlikewithyou now leave me alone. five invitations in four days. WHAT IS YOUR DEAL? i have been unbloggy lately. actually that's not true. i have been PRIVATEBLOGGING and locking the entries. the only movie nick cage was ever hot in was valley girl. i like it when he throws up in the alley. HOT AND VULNERABLE. also when he fucks the girl in the bathroom. the best song on the soundtrack is "johnny are you queer?" i went on a nerve date once with a dude who was totally closeted. it took me 15 min to realize b/c he was an actor. i thought he just liked to gesticulate. then he asked me about my perfume. straight dudes would never ask that question. they might say 'you smell good' but they wouldn't squeal and start talking about their signature cologne. i listened to this song on my walk home to the subway. then i committed a hate crime.

nyc, ac, lbc (bitch)

Leaving tomorrow for Atlantic City. Saturday is my birthday and my sister and I are going to see Weird Al. I am not "geeked" or "excited" or "psyched." I AM FUCKING THRILLED. Friday we are going to drink boozes and walk the boardwalk. I am going to show my sis the one lounge in the Trump casino where the hookers go to pick up johns. It's all very out in the open. Maybe we'll get mistaken for hookers and get caught in a sting and won't get to see Mr. Burt Reynolds like that one episode of The Golden Girls. Saturday is beaching, then concerting. Is it going to be warm enough to be outdoors in bathing attire? 65 degrees is fairly warm, right? God I hate swimsuits. The colors are revolting. Fruity tropical Dance Party USA Saved By the Bell Kelly Kapowski. But black ones make me look like a Romanian prison warden. I had a vintage one that was nice but I lost it. I think I did it on purpose because a used swimsuit is kind of gross. Someone's crotch has been marinating in it for HOURS. Sunday we are going home and then all next week is mad busy with work/random appointments. WEIRD AL WEIRD AL WEIRD AL WEIRD AL. BTW, this is his him.

Twice Now, In Two Days

I have advised total strangers to zip up their zippers. The first was a middle-aged woman in the elevator at my shrink's office. She made such a production out of zipping it up and was so obvious and nonchalant that I really regretted all the quiet secret code hand gestures I cycled through to communicate this information. She probably thinks I'm an uptight WASP. Which is true. Sort of. I'm uptight about certain things, like I won't date a guy who doesn't have a strong handshake but I'm also OK with that guy Frenching other guys and wearing eyeliner. The second was a guy on the N train. I've seen him before. His shoes always coordinate with his outfits. Not coordinate as in black shoes with black suit and brown shoes with brown suit. GET YOUR FUCKING HEAD ON, SON. He will wear a lavender and cream colored suit and the shoes will be lavender and cream colored loafers. I think he shares bloodlines with Morris Day and Aresnio. So I looked at him and silently gestured and he gave me a flirty smile, like "Yeah baby, I know you're looking at me. You think I'm hot." I gestured again and he finally got with the program. After that I felt really bad for him. I almost wanted to get off at Port Authority and offer him a consolation BJer but then I remembered my policy about not giving BJers to guys with bad shoes that I meet on the subway.

Gail, God, and Oprah Please Forgive Me

My mom and my Aunt Suzy (right and left, respectively). This is one of my all-time favorite photos. It so captures their relationship and the one I hope to have with my sister when I reach that age.

Aunt Suzy gives her dog cough drops, makes this crazy pink stuff every Thanksgiving



and once told me that wearing Blistex brand lip balm enhances blow jobs.

My sister and I are going dancing tonight. Also Jenny and Olivia. Earlier today we went to the bathhouse on 10th street where a young Russian named Alexi poured hot soapy water all over my shit and beat my ass with a bunch of leaves. It's called "platza" and it is amazing. Here's a video. After they're done they rub your hair dry with a towel and you feel like you're 5 years old. Mom has just made you get out of the pool and now you have to go drink Faygo and eat bologna sandwiches.

New Essay, Esays

I wrote an essay called Accidental Bad Boy Boyfriend for gURL.com. My sister Heather did the illustration. She loco.

This is Drew. She's pretty but not very bright. Just submitted her to ICanHasCheezburger.com. I am going to get my cats on this site, even if I have to murder one like JonBenet