nyc, ac, lbc (bitch)

Leaving tomorrow for Atlantic City. Saturday is my birthday and my sister and I are going to see Weird Al. I am not "geeked" or "excited" or "psyched." I AM FUCKING THRILLED. Friday we are going to drink boozes and walk the boardwalk. I am going to show my sis the one lounge in the Trump casino where the hookers go to pick up johns. It's all very out in the open. Maybe we'll get mistaken for hookers and get caught in a sting and won't get to see Mr. Burt Reynolds like that one episode of The Golden Girls. Saturday is beaching, then concerting. Is it going to be warm enough to be outdoors in bathing attire? 65 degrees is fairly warm, right? God I hate swimsuits. The colors are revolting. Fruity tropical Dance Party USA Saved By the Bell Kelly Kapowski. But black ones make me look like a Romanian prison warden. I had a vintage one that was nice but I lost it. I think I did it on purpose because a used swimsuit is kind of gross. Someone's crotch has been marinating in it for HOURS. Sunday we are going home and then all next week is mad busy with work/random appointments. WEIRD AL WEIRD AL WEIRD AL WEIRD AL. BTW, this is his him.

Twice Now, In Two Days

I have advised total strangers to zip up their zippers. The first was a middle-aged woman in the elevator at my shrink's office. She made such a production out of zipping it up and was so obvious and nonchalant that I really regretted all the quiet secret code hand gestures I cycled through to communicate this information. She probably thinks I'm an uptight WASP. Which is true. Sort of. I'm uptight about certain things, like I won't date a guy who doesn't have a strong handshake but I'm also OK with that guy Frenching other guys and wearing eyeliner. The second was a guy on the N train. I've seen him before. His shoes always coordinate with his outfits. Not coordinate as in black shoes with black suit and brown shoes with brown suit. GET YOUR FUCKING HEAD ON, SON. He will wear a lavender and cream colored suit and the shoes will be lavender and cream colored loafers. I think he shares bloodlines with Morris Day and Aresnio. So I looked at him and silently gestured and he gave me a flirty smile, like "Yeah baby, I know you're looking at me. You think I'm hot." I gestured again and he finally got with the program. After that I felt really bad for him. I almost wanted to get off at Port Authority and offer him a consolation BJer but then I remembered my policy about not giving BJers to guys with bad shoes that I meet on the subway.

Gail, God, and Oprah Please Forgive Me

My mom and my Aunt Suzy (right and left, respectively). This is one of my all-time favorite photos. It so captures their relationship and the one I hope to have with my sister when I reach that age.

Aunt Suzy gives her dog cough drops, makes this crazy pink stuff every Thanksgiving



and once told me that wearing Blistex brand lip balm enhances blow jobs.

My sister and I are going dancing tonight. Also Jenny and Olivia. Earlier today we went to the bathhouse on 10th street where a young Russian named Alexi poured hot soapy water all over my shit and beat my ass with a bunch of leaves. It's called "platza" and it is amazing. Here's a video. After they're done they rub your hair dry with a towel and you feel like you're 5 years old. Mom has just made you get out of the pool and now you have to go drink Faygo and eat bologna sandwiches.

New Essay, Esays

I wrote an essay called Accidental Bad Boy Boyfriend for gURL.com. My sister Heather did the illustration. She loco.

This is Drew. She's pretty but not very bright. Just submitted her to ICanHasCheezburger.com. I am going to get my cats on this site, even if I have to murder one like JonBenet

Here's What I'm Worst At

Invoicing my clients. I have several gigs where I'm supposed to be asking for money weekly and the most I can manage is once a month. Clients have actually said to me, "Erin, we really need to pay you now." I'm listening to rap songs about money to keep my motivation going. Rap songs about money are hard to find. So are ones about shooting folks.

Boing Boing Get the Fuck Fuck Over Yourself

Someone took apart a Magic 8 Ball and BoingBoing is running the story as: Magic 8-Ball vivisection. VIVISECTION? Come on. This is almost as obnoxious as how freely and liberally they apply the word "hack" to everything. So-and-so in Florida has a new hack for making peanut butter and jelly, she uses a KNIFE to cut the bread. Destroyer of worlds Johnny Buttfuck has a hack for fixing the velcro on his messenger bag. A hack is something that takes considerable skill and effort. It is not an expression of quirkiness ("That hobo has a hack for dry skin - not bathing!) or the application of plain old common sense ("My hack for waits at the post office is buying stamps online!). I would write them a letter but since it has nothing to do with knitting cute reproductions of Nintendo items or baking cakes shaped like Atari characters I doubt it'll get published.