Separated At Birth

Bill Gates, Microsoft founder

Kim Peek, Rain Man muse/autistic savant

turkey jerky

Yeah, it's been a while. I've been really wrapped up in my job lately.

Tonight was a nice change. I left work early and went to the Bialystoker nursing home on the Lower East Side to make Thanksgiving cards with New York Cares.

Each person has to make 8 cards and then deliver them to/chat with 8 different residents. That's the assignment. NY Cares provides all the supplies and for the first part it's basically craft hour as you sit at a table, cut out paper turkeys, and shoot the shit with other volunteers.

When looked at in comparison to my advertising job, it was the most fulfilling, creative thing I've done in weeks.

I did not have to attend a series of kickoff meetings or map out a schedule of deliverables. I just started making the card. I didn't get in a fight with an information architect over whether the card should be folded lengthwise or horizontal for maximum usability. I didn't have to go through 5 sets of revisions to change the copy from "Happy Thanksgiving" to "A Very Happy Thanksgiving" then "A Very Happy Thanksgiving But Not to People Who Don't Celebrate Thanksgiving" then back to "Happy Thanksgiving" once again. No.

I just wrote exactly what I wanted and the clients were happy. Well, the ones that were awake were happy. Some were sleeping, some were taking baths. One was masturbating and didn't seem to be at all embarrassed by the interruption.

"OH HELLO THERE! I WILL JUST PUT YOUR CARD OVER HERE!HAPPYTHANKSGIVINGTHANKYOUBYE!"

Oh God.Oh God.Oh God.Oh God.Oh God. I have just seen an 80 year old man masturbating.

Until then, my biggest fear had been waking up Alma. I know her from bingo, and she's one mean bitch. Let me tell ya. She doesn't get bingo she will cuss you the fuck out. She doesn't like volunteers and she doesn't like our shitty old cards, either. I knew she'd make fun of my Turkey sticker first round deliverable and yell at me.

I tiptoed in her room like it was the lion's den. She was asleep, despite all the lights blazing and Jeopardy on the TV.

I put the card on the bulletin board next to the one someone made her for Halloween and hightailed it out to see the next resident, a Latino gentleman blasting salsa in his room.

It amazes me how much nursing homes and college dorms are alike. Loud TVs. Loud music. Casual pajama dress code. Communal eating. Card games. Gossip. Sleeping in. Heavy drug use. And it's really expensive to stay there, even though you'd much rather be on your own and kind of don't want to.

Someone call up the Animal House cast and see what they're doing. I've got a great idea for a reunion movie...

turkey, naming conventions, contest

BE ME FOR A DAY!

being a regular makes me uncomfortable. like a pervert. especially when you're in that floaty period between person who comes in there a little too often and the person whose own mother didn't attend but has a cadre of bodega workers weeping and throwing themselves on the casket at his funeral.

there's something about walking in the door, night after night, and asking someone to make something for you that you should be capable of making yourself that just feels imposing.

it's like,

"oh great. here comes the girl who orders a turkey burger, pays, accepts her purchase and politely thanks me. EVERY SINGLE TIME. piping hot cup of christ cocoa, WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER??!"

BE ME FOR A DAY!

i'd say about 4 out of the 5 guys know me. but they all look alike. and I CAN'T GAMBLE. because then i'm a racist. also i might get the wrong order.

and i can't ask them their names, either, because that's mad patronizing. i had an old boss who used to do that. get everyone's name, the minute he spoke to anyone on the phone.

"hello, who's this? desiree? hello desiree. i'd like three calzones..."

DON'T ASK DESIREE HER NAME. JUST ORDER THE GODDAMN CALZONES. dudes used to do that when i worked at bennigan's. go practice your dale carniege elsewhere. this is not the russian tea room. just eat your jalapeno lobster steak poppers, make a cell phone call, and take a giant shit in the men's room. i'll be in the back smoking pot with the dishwashers if you need me. wait. what's your name? arnold? i'll be in the back smoking pot with the dishwashers if you need me, ARNOLD.

BE ME FOR A DAY!

weekender

Some Saturdays I get out of the house early and bum around and do a bunch of shit. Get papers, groceries, walk through the park, see my methamphetamine dealer.

Other Saturdays I lay on the couch, eat a bagel as big as a toilet seat and catch up on my programs.

It's the second kind of Saturday.

One of the shows I'm watching is called Taboo. It's on the National Geographic Channel and is basically

DUDE, C'MERE AND LOOK AT THIS SICK SHIT ON THE TV BOX!

in intellectual packaging.

Today's show is about food and how certain folk in Vietnam eat dogs.

I suppose this is bad, but I don't think I'd have a problem eating dog. Cat either. It doesn't seem that gross.

I'd rather eat a terrier than a big spoonful of mayonnaise.

Sorry, Rover.

Eat It, Lick It, Snort It, F--k It

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OK, I really have a problem with wanting to fuck guys in drag. He thinks he's being all funny, I'm just looking at his ass in those pink velour sweatpants.

How do I cross-reference this with my love of manly men with 8 foot beards who look like lumberjacks - male power archetypes like gangster, executioner, skinhead, thug, and drug dealer?

My brain be all messed up like a plate of hash browns with onions, green peppers, hot sauce, seasoned salt and cheese.

defending the sexy nursemaidfirefightercopwitch

Since when did Halloween go from a holiday of candy and costumes to a nationwide excuse to female-bash and label everyone with XX chromosomes an unconscionable tramp?

Random sampling of the news articles this week:
-Whore-o-ween provides an excuse to suit up like sluts
-Tricks or Treats?
-Have Ghouls Gone A Little Too Wild?
-Skimpy Costumes for Young Girls Called Reflection of Culture

Here's a novel query:

WHY DO WE GIVE A SHIT?

Because they look like skanks! SO?

Because they don't normally dress like skanks! SO? Are you saying you'd prefer them to dress like skanks all the time? Just because someone chooses to dress skanky one day, is she obligated to dress skanky the other 364 days of the year? If I wear black to my grandma's funeral should I be socially ostracized for wearing pastels on Easter?

Because they think they're getting away with it! SO? What exactly are they getting away with? Are they supposed to feel bad? Guilty? Because dressing sexy is on par with kicking puppies, painting swastikas on nun's foreheads and feasting on aborted fetuses? Look at that sexy nurse and sexy cop. Those are BAD PEOPLE! Let's put them in the town square and have them stoned to death, like they do in other countries.

Because they doesn't have the bodies for those costumes! SO? Have you taken a look in the mirror lately? You're no model yourself. What is that, a size 38 waistband? Your complexion's the color of yellowtail. You might want to get out in the sun more.

But getting drunk and going out dressed sexy is dangerous! SO? Oh, shit. I see. You're saying that Halloween is the ONLY time of year people ever indulge in this sort of behavior. YOU'RE TOTALLY RIGHT.

If you want to dress skanky on Halloween, girls, HAVE AT IT.


I'm not really into it, just 'cause I don't think it's a super original way to go. I prefer to torture myself for several months, trying to think of an idea, then give up and go as a zombie.

Here's a thought. Let's write about some of the SUPERFUCKINGAWESOME costume choices MEN come up with, shall we?

TOP 5 SHITTY MALE COSTUMES FOR HALLOWEEN

PIMP Hi, I work in enterprise software sales. I'm a pasty privileged turd of a white male who can't get dates, but this year I'm going as the black male stereotype version of someone who exploits sex workers. Yay for me!

WHITE TRASH I grew up in East Grand Rapids. The closest I ever came to manual labor was a 4 hour shift washing dishes at my aunt's restaurant in Nantucket. I told mom and dad I need to concentrate on my 1 credit elective and got out of working the rest of the summer. I'm dressing up as someone who's socio-economically less fortunate. Why? Because OTHER PEOPLE'S POVERTY IS FUNNY!!!!!!

PIRATE Arrrrggh! I said, Arrrrrrgh! Bro, what do you think of my costume, bro? It's my brother's little sister's shirt. It's tight, but it feels kinda silky. Actually, I kind of like it. The silky. Does that mean I'm gay? Shut up man. I was just messing with you. Queer! What? Dude, I TOLD YOU not to bring up that one time. I was DRUNK, OK? Shhhhhhhhhh. Keep your voice down. Oh, hey Scotty bro-hound! What's up, dude man? Arrrrrgh!!!!!!

AUSTIN POWERS Does my dressing up like a character from an 11 year-old SNL movie make you horny baby?

SUPERHEROS We get to show off our comic book knowledge AND our lumpy cubicle bodies! We spent $100 renting these costumes and took three trains to get to this party, but really we could have saved ourselves the trouble and just jacked off inside each other's mouths back at our 3-bedroom Bushwick share!

freebie jeebies

Spent the afternoon at the Really Really Free Market.

Anarchy is a concept which loses all practicality once it leaves the realm of Zippo art and t-shirt sayings.

I say that as the most liberal of all liberals. No offense to my leftist brothers and sisters.

List of hopes and to-do’s for the day:

1. Get rid of huge bag of junk taking up space in apartment.

2. Sit outside in the sunshine. Meet new people and have interesting, random conversations.

3. Get phone number/email of hot 22 year-old vegan tail in black hoodie and form-fitting jeans. Said 22 year-old has abusive stepfather and strong feminist/artsy streak. We get together to talk about regime change and do it in the vagyroscope. DAILY.

[For further detail, please see Fig 1.1: Wes Bentley's character in 1999's American Beauty].

Fig 1.1

4. Leave with enhanced sense of community and accomplishment. I LOVE YOU, TOTO. IT’S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL. THIS PLANET IS A LOVE SMOOTHIE AND I AM BUT ONE TINY DROP.


Taking a cab to get there really helped set it off. Because really. Who doesn’t spend money to give stuff away for free?

I thought I could make it – only 3 avenues and 7 blocks, but halfway there I crapped out. (P.S. I didn’t really crap, I just meant I gave up and hailed a taxi).

I lug my bag o’ goods through the gate and choose a sunny spot. I start laying out my blanket and already I'm surrounded by 20 people.

Scarface on VHS goes first, to a woman with a 7 year old. Should I feel bad about that? For some reason I don’t.

The next 4 items are gone as soon as I set them down. To the same woman. With the same 7 year old.


Imagine if we was giving away yayo.
By now I’ve got people on all sides of me. I feel like a street hustler or some beret-wearing dickhead doing Febreze-sponsored performance art.

ARTIST’S STATEMENT: The black Old Navy t-shirt with the cat hair laid out next to the paint roller is supposed to represent the way extension cords are looked at in our society. The Norman Mailer book and half-used box of crayons are a coy statement about women, sexuality, and the lack of decent bars around Union Square.

I start throwing items to the furthest reaches of the blanket in an attempt to stop Scarface Lady from taking them.

It doesn’t seem fair that she gets this huge haul while other people stand around - needy, but too polite to interfere.

The one exception was the missus who complained several times that I wasn’t unloading items fast enough. HURRY UP AND GIVE ME MY FREE SHIT FASTER.

What kind of people come to these things, Erin? Jesus.

Good question:

5% hippie
5% anarchist freegan
5% sad sack homeless
85% opportunists looking for free shit [i.e. see Scarface Lady above]


Nothing wrong with getting free shit. In fact, that’s the whole idea. But to see people taking a whole bunch of free shit without:

-pausing to read any one of the gazillion informational flyers
-chucking a nickel in the jar as a donation

or at the very least refraining from

-taking two or more of the same thing
-grabbing items out of people’s hands without saying “thank you” or “excuse me”

made me really fucking sad. This is why we have rules like “Please leave on undergarments while trying on swimwear,” and "10 Items or Less in the Express Lane."

Which everyone ignores.

BUT YOU FEEL ME.

I know it's not my place to judge. How people should react. Or not react. Who's needy. Who's not needy.

I guess I was just surprised at the lack of looking out for each other. I thought the whole thing would be governed by a sort of polite, restrained greed .

But nope. Just greed. Regular old unchecked greed.

I was cleaned out in a matter of seconds. The only thing that didn’t go was a pair of high heels.

They sat there for the next 10 minutes as people came by, picked them up, then dropped them like an smallpox-infected turd once I announced they were size 11.



A few people even laughed. Whoooooo eeeeeeee boy! That’s a big un’! Like it was a pumpkin growing contest or a circus sideshow and my used footwear was Big Bertha.

I don’t think they connected the shoes with the owner and how someone might find that a teensy bit embarrassing or insulting.

I’d had enough.

I left my gunboats on someone else’s blanket and went to meet my sister for a drink.