Wednesday, May 23, 2007

on self reliance

I dumped myself last night.

Not to be a braggart or anything but I think I did a pretty good job.

I'm sure it helps that I had time to prepare. I've known it was coming for about a month. Cancelled dates. Truncated dates. Dips in text volume and phone calls. Is it a good sign if the person you're dating doesn't want to see you on Saturdays and Sundays? Probably no.

I started notifying the public. Awesome! went to OK went to Eh went to BIG LONG EMO DIATRIBE when people asked how it was going with the boy. No use acting like everything's OK and two weeks later seeing his name on an email invite from one of my friends not in the know. My friends are friendly to a fault.

Last week I got really serious about my dumping and issued a cry for help. In other words, I fucked my hair up. ROYAL. What I asked for (a few tiny streaks of platinum against a rich chocolate brown) was not what I got (large hunks of granny-like grey and an uneven not-quite-brown-but-not-quite-black tone). For this I paid $150, the majority of which I believe went to the hairdresser's heroin fund. I should have got up and left the chair the third time he disappeared into the back room for 10 minutes and returned incoherent, dropping scissors and foils.

Next part of the prep was the iPod. I loaded it with breakup songs. Everything from classy (Chain of Fools by Aretha, Easy Like Sunday Morning by the Commodores) to assy (Bye Bye Bye by *NSYNC and Since U Been Gone by Ms. Kelly Clarkson) to downright immature (One More Minute by Weird Al Yankovic and Fuck It I Don't Want You Back by Eamon). iPod was not happy about this. I promised him we'd go back to heavy metal and violent gangster rap once the sting wore off.

The final steps took place day of. Boy (hereafter known as 'Richard') contacted me over AIM to inform me he'd once again be shortening the allotted time for our date by two-thirds. I replied that this has been happening a lot. Perhaps he's feeling unsure about the relationship? He initially denied but agreed to meet in person to discuss.

A perfectly timed hair appointment that fixed the mistakes of the week before and a laundry sack full of clean clothes made me the best looking about-to-be reject this side of the Mason Dixon. I stared into the mirror a while and imagined myself a soldier about to go into war.

I grabbed my purse and looked around the apartment for any depressing Richard reminders that might be lying in wait when I got home. Wow. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The only things he ever bought me were a bouquet of tulips from a bodega, a lime, and a mango. The tulips were dead, the mango digested. The lime was still sitting on top of the microwave. I threw it in the garbage. When the hell do I ever buy Corona?

At the bar I provided Richard with a brief recap of his halfassery and a list of possible motivations. One by one, Richard cycled through his excuses: I have a busy schedule. I'm bad at relationships. I really need to focus on my career. I'm not in love with you. (DING DING DING!)

I told Richard I thought it was the last one and he eventually agreed. After that, what do you do? Nothing. We finished our drinks, said goodbye on the corner of 10th and 1st ave and I went to meet an ex of mine for cocktails. Said ex is someone I've been Richarding off and on for 3 years. Like JT says, "What goes around, comes around." Today it's your turn.

I'm not mad that Richard doesn't like me. That kind of thing you can't help. I'm more upset that I had to do my own dumping. But I understand. Breaking up with someone is hard. There's all sorts of ways to fool yourself and avoid it. I can think of one relationship where I put off the task for almost two years. Better now than later, right?

Right. It still sucks though.

15 comments:

Sabina said...

Dumping yourself sucks, but at least it's not as bad as trying to break up with someone who refuses to be dumped, right?

Anonymous said...

kudos. my personal belief is that if more women ended things right away with ridiculous, immature, selfish men (i.e. most of them), men would have no girlfriends and thus be forced to evaluate their behavior in order to get laid.

it's what i like to tell myself anyway.

judy said...

You don't need a man who's not man enough to dump you. Been there, hate that.

PrettySneakySis said...

To add to your iPod break-up songs, luv:

Martin Briley - Salt In My Tears
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6KlcL6V2H0

OMD - So In Love
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfgyXfOQSJE

Best wishes,
J

mintzworks said...

I'm sorry the hair is f'd up. That might reduce break-up-bation sessions wherein you try to 'love yourself' in lieu of loving another.

Richarding other boys helps, too, but f'd up hair might deter that.

Wait, what am I saying? You're Erin Bradley for crissakes. Gettin' laid's just a matter of sayin' "yes." No?

Anonymous said...

You have totally done the right thing. I waited far too long in my last relationship before finally driving my ex to dump me via a series of escalating rows. It wasn't pretty, and I felt like shit, but there's also the little flash of relief when it finally happens.

Behind The Curve said...

Nothing worse than a half ass cowardly boy. Good riddance!

Anonymous said...

whatever happened to ewok?

Erin Bradley said...

We broke up at the end of Feb/beginning of March.

It wasn't pretty. He asked me not to write about it so I haven't. I will though, eventually.

mike said...

Sorry it didn't work out. You started about the same time my girfriend and I did... and we sort of hit similar "phases" at the same time. It was always fun to read your blog and see what a woman in a similar spot had on her mind.

Anonymous said...

He asked me not to write about it so I haven't. I will though, eventually.

Ooooo, mixed message!

Anonymous said...

I have been wanting to ask what happened to ewok since forever but have been resisting because I figured even bloggers who put their whole life on the interweb have the right to privacy sometimes. Thanks other anonymous person for doing what I couldn't! Take your time Erin, I'll be waiting...

Sarah B. said...

There is better out there for a fine woman such as yourself. Chin up, hold fast.

Anonymous said...

Hey Erin,
I'd also been wondering about Ewok as I read both your blog and his. I hope you are surviving the break up. You two seemed really into each other so I'd be interested to know why it ended and who ended it. Anyway, keep on trucking.

jerry said...

the commodores-sail on-is the breakup song!