Sunday, April 15, 2007

odds and ends -n- assorted such

Frieda shamed me at bingo today for not sitting next to her. I deliberately sat with one of the catatonics because I was tired as fuck and didn't feel like talking to anyone.

Frieda's a sweetheart but she's a shitload of effort. You feel like you're ministering to JLo. I want a napkin. I want water. Repeat the number. Repeat the number again. Move my foot. I don't like blue chips, I like red chips. Gimme my sweater. Scratch my back.

It's not that way with the catatonics. You just sit, smile broadly every 10 minutes and make an attempt to communicate. They will not respond to your attempt to communicate and when the caller calls their numbers you lay the chips down.

I always thought those folks stay that way forever, but today there was something hopeful. This Cantonese lady, Mei Lin, was awake and looking around and laying a shitload of chips down on her card. They didn't call any of the numbers, but it was good to see her doing something instead of staring into space with her mouth open. At one point she kept pointing frantically at my purse and saying something in Cantonese.

I hate being unable to fulfill a request, so I opened my purse and removed the only item that could possibly be entertaining: The National Enquirer. I read select portions to Mei while she pointed at the pictures. She was particularly fixated on this one picture of Kirsten Dunst. Also Will Smith and ads for brasseries.

What else happened this weekend? OH. I looked through my sent messages and realized I had sent a message to a friend turning him down for a drink because:

"Work has been licking my ass this week."

The salary and benefits are so-so, but there's Starbucks coffee in the coffeemaker and they give you RIMJOBS!

The other thing was this argument on Avenue A between this Latino girl and her boyfriend. She was screaming at him and a crowd had gathered 'round. This story doesn't need any further embellishment, so I'll just give you the dialogue straight up:

"Your penis is teeny. It's small. It has no emotion."

His penis has no emotion, everyone. Myself, I like my penises stoic. I don't want them to start crying during sex and talking about their roommate that fell off a balcony in Myrtle Beach during Spring Break and unfulfilled dreams of being a glassblower. I guess a joyful penis is OK though. ALL PENISES SHALL MAKE YE A JOYFUL NOISE UNTO THE LORD.


Melanie said...

wait, what? i mean, i feel ya on the stoic penises, but catatonics at bingo? what do you DO?

Anonymous said...

You Awesome.


Erin Bradley said...

Just volunteer sometimes playing bingo at this nursing home.

It's through a group called New York Cares.

SG said...

I wonder if Mei Lin was talking smack about you without you knowing...?

Erin Bradley said...

Could be, I don't know. I know Frieda will occasionally say shit like, "You look like you've gained weight," and, "I don't like your hair."

SG said...

Erin visits the old folks after a night out on a bender:

"No I don't think I have Frieda, but if I ever do, I'll have years and years to lose it. Decades, even. How 'bout you?"

Rune said...

Mei Lin was probably pointing at the bag and saying, "I made that!, I made that!"

Erin Bradley said...

"years and years to lose it"

I was on my phone with my grandma yesterday (apparently I spend all my time with old people) and she goes:

"I thought you'd be married with a family by now."

I wanted to be like:

"I thought you'd be dead by now. I guess we're BOTH behind schedule!"

And then I asked her to marry me.

p.s. I know the above sounds like "WOMEN OF COMEDY" standup schtick, but it actually happened. Me and Kathy Griffin are BFF.

SG said...

Tell her you're gay. "That'll put some crease in her slacks!"

Frank Spartacus said...

Number 9, number 9 come on in your time is up…

We don't have a number 9?

Number 6 are you in trouble?

Frank Spartacus said...

I just had a moment of self love. My cock is stoical. I talked to it. I looked in the dictionary as it coming out with big words. We made a pact together. We must both be stoical if we are to live the true path of the super hero.

Thanks, Erin. You have inadvertently made me realise that my cock is not just a novelty appendage, but my true partner in the fight against bad love in the world. I am out to spread the good love with renewed vigour.