Wednesday, April 4, 2007

I'm eating a lot of McDonald's lately. Bad scene. My new meds kill my appetite so thoroughly and completely that it's one of the few things that ever sounds appetitizing to me. There's a McDonald's twenty paces from my apartment. It's filled with hobos and 14 year old kids. Also some old people who might or not be homeless but probably are because they're laying face down on the table and their tongue is sticking to their newspaper and there's no food on the table anywhere. And chubby businessmen who approach the counter like it's a video booth, eyes averted and a shame-ridden demeanor. Two bacon double cheeseburgers, that's all. When you say "that's all" at McDonalds it always sounds so dainty. "That's all because I am not a pig and a disgusting human being like the rest of you chattel in the line behind me." I'm sensing a break though. Last night it was cold and not as satisfying. McDonald's is one of those things you don't eat for forever, like months and months. Then you go on jags where you eat it all the time and then you realize you're just chasing the dragon, baby. It's never going to be as good as that first time back. I think I'm going back to dumplings. Or Annie's Macaroni and Cheese. The thing I like most about McDonald's is the ketchup. The ketchup is extraordinary.

6 comments:

Mintzworks said...

You're the best blogger ever.

Behind The Curve said...

I Heart McD's BBQ Sauce.

Outrageouschaos said...

I remember having a breakthrough around age 12. For the life of me, I couldn't figure why my home-made burgers didn't taste like like McDonald's burgers. So I started deconstructing the burger, though a time-consuming trial-and-error process. It involved manipulating my mother into thinking burgers for the third time this week was, indeed, a good idea, ("Oh, Mom. We all love burgers so much, and we can eat on paper plates and use the grill outside! Less cleanup for us!") manipulating both my parents into buying the proper cheese (processed, yellow), and because I grew up 45 minutes from the closest McDonald's, a careful culinary study of the burger whenever I was lucky enough to get my hands on it.

I still remember the Eureka moment. It involved pickles (which previously, I thought I hated) and mixing the ketchup and mustard together before applying them to the burger. I think I might have said something out loud, about how I had figured it all out, but my family could never understand my struggle. I mean, Mom's burgers would always be marauding in McDonald's costumes, but I convinced myself that I had cracked some dark mystery.

Then I became a vegetarian and haven't eaten meat in 11 years. The End.

Melanie said...

i hesitate to even suggest my own remedy for a McDonald's jag, because it's really overkill. but i go to the p.e.t.a. site and it just makes me feel sick about the whole thing for a while. but seriously...that's hardcore. sometimes it's necessary though, when i do like you're doing and the only thing that sounds tolerable is a regular old cheeseburger. i don't want to be 300 pounds. :\

MW said...

I used to be k-razy about their ketchup. And I hated it when they changed their milkshakes. But I think I've only eaten there about a dozen times in the past few years. Once I got myself weaned off their fries it was easy to quit the rest. The only McD's food I really still dig is the filet o fishies.


p.s.: If you get a third armpit, does that come with a third arm, or is that sold separately? Because a third ARM could come in handy. And not just for sex, you pervs.

(...okay, just for sex.)

Forsoothsayer said...

not the fries? the fries are sex!