TC fucking B on the 1040 EZ

"I just felt the spirit move through me."

Not a phrase that inspires trust from a tax preparer, especially when it's followed by,

"Do you believe in ghosts?"

and quashes any hopes you might have that she's a nice, normal holy roller.

Josie is three-quarters of the way through my return and my heart is going faster than a hummingbird on Sudafed.

Watching the screens on her H&R Block tax software go flying by is like watching a roulette wheel. Come on. Come on. Come on. Low for fed and state. Low for fed and state. Blow on the keyboard for me. COME ON!

Josie is not as focused as I'd like. She keeps breaking stride to chat with coworkers about parking spaces, Eric the trainee and birthday cake.

I understand how frosting can improve a Friday and I don't have a car but I vaguely remember the complexities of parking but this Eric business has got to cease.

Several times now she's said stuff like "Yo Eric! You in trouble!" and "Eric, you know you doing this wrong!" and each time I think she's addressing me. No Josie, I'm going to kill you and write it off as a medical expense. The knife and rope will go under "Supplies" right alongside the Ativan on my receipts.

My tax system sucks, I guess that's why I was so worried. Freelancers are supposed to file quarterly but I'm too lazy so I pay the fine because it's not that big and have Josie do it all at the end of the year. I throw some of my earnings into savings but it's never a set amount and not based on any real figure. I figure good enough for our government, good enough for me.

I ended up getting a little back from federal and state and I have no fucking idea as to how that happened except but for the grace of Josie. She's a little crackertime but the woman's got her ways.

I walked out of the office feeling like motherfucking SCARFACE. Bulletproof. Invincible.

"Choo wanna audit me? Choo wanna waste my time? OK. I call my accountant. She the best accountant in NYC. She is such a good accountant, that by tomorrow, choo gonna be auditing in Alaska. So dress warm."

hellogoodafternoonthisisme

People in the hood are going to start wearing leather jackets that say "JOSIE" and "Don't Knock da Block" in big airbrushed letters. I'm also working on a tribute song with this guy who knows this guy who used to know Biggie.