researching my column for tomorrow. there's a question re: the Pill and vaginal problems. CASE OF THE DRY ROT. this product came up in my studies. i love very private. i use it in my private area, for my husband and i's private moments.
I'm sitting at home, waiting for Saturday Night Live to come on (SHUT UP, I WAS OUT EARLIER BEING VERY COOL AND SOCIAL) and this hugeass cockroach scurries in the apartment through the crack between the floor and the door.
I leap up and go to kill it. I'm too slow. Fucking asshole is under the stove. I grab my cat, who's asleep on the couch, and dump her down in front of the stove. HELP ME. She looks at me like I'm nuts and goes back to where she was before. I get my dustvac and shove the skinny part of it under the stove. Fuck. I don't hear any crunching. I move the stove back and KABLOW. There's the roach. I lunge and miss. AGAIN.
Time to get serious. Light. Roaches hate light. I will smoke you out of your hole. I put on slippers (no way I'm doing this in bare feet) and find the flashlight. It's under the sink and has kitty litter crusted on it. I turn it on. It's dead. Fuck. Batteries, where do I have batteries? MY VIBRATOR. She made the ULTIMATE SACRIFICE for her country. I swap 'em out and spend the next 20 minutes shining the flashlight and moving the stove back and forth, stretching the gas connection to breaking point and tearing my piece-of-shit linoleum. That's gonna come off the security deposit.
So I didn't get him and I am FRUITING OUT. I am fine with all bugs except roaches. Spiders, even. FUCK. I am going to go buy some roach shit right now, even though that means putting my clothes back on and going down to the bodega, which at this time of evening I normally avoid because it's thronged by obnoxious drunk people.
What if the roach goes on my face? My mouth? What if it crawls on me? The worst was seeing it crawl under the door. If it just randomly appeared it would be so much less disturbing. There are many apartments in this building and roaches like this one. I think I am going to buy aluminum foil and use it to create a barrier. Is that psycho? I am trying to calm myself with thoughts of how bad other people have it in the Third World and how poor people have to put up with much worse in low income housing and I should thank God it's only one roach and stop being such a pussy but it's NOT WORKING.
Bjork is on SNL. I wonder if she likes roaches. I bet she does. I bet she has one in her band. It plays trumpet.
The Washington Post did an experiment where they had a famous classical musician play the D.C. Metro in the middle of rush hour. They were SHOCKED and AGHAST at how no one showered him with currency or stopped what they were doing to watch him.
Stacy Furukawa, demographer at the Commerce Department and yuppie woman on the street:
"It was the most astonishing thing I've ever seen in Washington. Joshua Bell was standing there playing at rush hour, and people were not stopping, and not even looking, and some were flipping quarters at him! Quarters! I wouldn't do that to anybody. I was thinking, Omigosh, what kind of a city do I live in that this could happen?"
I am really disgusted by this picture. This picture offends my vagina.
There's a meeting going on next door to my cube. It's open-air, they're not in a conference room. There are ten pizza boxes that are labeled with "FOR THIS MEETING ONLY, PLEASE!" I walked over, opened one and took a piece. A virgin piece from a VIRGIN pie. All the meeting attendees turned and watched and knew they couldn't get their pizza until Dickhead up front stops talking. Dickhead couldn't yell at me because he's a rep from a software company and they're trying to sell us something. I've forgotten because I'm so used to freelancing, but when you're working late you feel really entitled. I can't wait to kick the janitor. He should be here shortly.
