Birthday, Running, Michigan, Lesbianism

First birthday after I moved to New York. I like this picture because I have skinny arms. I used to run when I lived in Michigan, which wasn't long before that, that's why they were skinny. I had this summer temp boyfriend. We were both moving at the end of the summer, me to New York, him to Boston or some shit. I can't remember. Anyway, his name was Ray and he was 6 foot 7 and gorgeous and weighed about a buck twelve. We never ran together because I hate running with people. All group sports really. And most intellectual stuff. I pretty much hate groups. Ray and I had this frat boy thing we did every morning where we'd call each other and say "You going, dude?" meaning: Were we planning on going outside and running 3 miles in 99 degree weather and wind up like a dumb fuck in the emergency room? The answer always had to be yes. You couldn't say no. That meant you were a pussy. Then we'd call each other when we got home. We only F'd one time and it was after eating fish-n-chips. Not advised. He is married now and has a kid. I think he sells office paper or something. Another reason why I like this picture is because the bartender in the back with the black hair is in it. I always wanted to rail her. Now I have a picture of her without it being all creepy, like the time I saw her at Beacon's Closet. The changing rooms there have curtains that don't really close all the way and I lingered around the rack near them after she went in, hoping to catch a glimpse. I saw a tiny sliver of pink panty and instantly felt like a sex offender and like I wanted to write her a letter and apologize.

Shit, Shat, Shall Have Shitten

I keep this book on the back of the toilet so I can learn about sentence structure and punctuation while taking care of business at the same time. I need to read stuff like this to be a better worder but it's much easier to blow it off and read magazines about famous people instead. I'm getting a lot of the book read and I actually feel like I'm absorbing it, which is surprising. It's like a dsylexic En Vogue: free your ass and the mind will follow. I love that fucking video. It came out right around the same time as the George Michael supermodel one did. Two things I didn't know about that at the time: 1. Opening quote was from The Graduate. 2. George Michael was ghey.

Broomsticks & Bedsores

This is The LapDesk. It is designed so you can do your computing while lying prostrate in bed.

I felt lazy when I bought this product. I felt even lazier when I read the hundreds of invalid testimonials.

Get yours.

Spam I Am

Just felt slight twinge of pride upon reviewing Easter-themed promotional email created for major retail client.

Nice use of action-oriented language. Clever-but-not-cutesy word play. Scannable titles. Appropriately labeled buttons.

This is an email people will enjoy having in their junk filter.

Hooray! Back Alley Abortions Y'all!

The State of South Carolina wants to require women to view ultrasounds of their fetuses so they can see what they look like before they abort.

Wonder if they'll also show them episiotomy photos so they can see what their precious ladybits will look like post-birth? How about pictures of the dirty baby diapers they'll have to change, probably all by themselves because daddy denied paternity and/or skipped town. Oh wait! WAIT! I know! Crime scene photos of pregnant women who got murdered because they denied their husband/family's orders to abort!

Clearly, we're going to need to re-think this slideshow.



Donate to Planned Parenthood now.

p.s. Sorry if any of those were disturbing, guys. Here's a kittycat chaser.

Fanfare

Called to order Weird Al concert tickets. Felt nerdy to begin with, cause I was using the phone. I am 80. I still patronize the post office and order things in catalogs. When I go to restaurants I order the senior plate, which is a hamburger on a wilted piece of lettuce with a side of canned cling peaches and no bun. And a coffee. Decaf. Are you SURE that's decaf, honey? Good. Only Equal? No Sweet-N-Low? Oh dear.

Anyway, I felt even nerdier when a black customer service rep answered the phone. Yes, I know you cannot always tell a person's race by the sound of their voice but this was a black guy. Unless it was Eminem. But it wasn't Eminem because I'd recognize Eminem. I have all his records. I mouth memorized lyrics about mother rape and shooting people while riding the subway. People are intimidated.

The CSR of course didn't give a fuuuuuuuuuck. He kept saying "Yankovitch" instead of Yankovic and I honestly believe he had no prior knowledge of who this Weird Al is or what he's all about. Is it because of his age or his race? Or both? I think it's the age. He sounded young.

Did I mention that this is my THIRD Weird Al show? The first one I went to I brought a whoopee cushion and got him to sign it. I thought I was the most clever girl in the world but behind me were about 50 people, all holding spatulas.

Saturday Night Fever

Went to a SNL party on St. Patrick's Day at this eurodouche club in the West Village.

I can't write much because I have a deadline but the only information you really need to know is that my sister made out with a cast member and at one point in the evening I was sitting next to Constantine from American Idol.

I have seen the future, Constantine. There is no escaping.