Monday, September 15, 2008

Miss Information on Neighborhoodies

I know you want to dress like me.

You want the look of a grown ass woman who still buys her clothes as Rainbow, colors in pantyhose runs with black Sharpie marker and applies Febreze directly to her skin as a makeshift cologne.

Well, call up Grandma and tell your parole officer to meet you at Olive Garden. The wait is officially over.

The gang at Neighborhoodies and I have teamed up to create a Miss Information line of t-shirts.

Collect all 7 and ORDER NOW.

Top 5 Pretend Make Believes I Do During Business Meetings When Someone Really Boring is Talking

1. Doin' the Do
This involves ranking every person in the room - from highest to lowest - in the order I'd schtup them. Doesn't matter if they're male, female, old, young, pregnant, married, etc. THEY MUST BE RANKED. No exceptions are allowed.

2. Let's Break for Lunch
This is also about ranking - highest to lowest - same kind of principle. Only instead of sex it's about who I'd eat first if I were stuck on a snow-covered mountain or marooned on a desert island.

3. Purple Rain, Track #1
This isn't about ranking so much as a single thought:

"What's the most inappropriate thing I could do right now, and how would everyone react if I actually carried it out?"

Usually it's something like getting on top of the conference room table and screaming like a monkey or taking my clothes off but sometimes I fantasize about dumping water cups over people's heads or screaming "THIS IS BOW-RING!" at the speaker really, really loud.

4. Jerry Bruckheimer is my CEO
The entire office building is under siege. The only safe place is this conference room and the only people I can trust are my coworkers. Who will be the brave martyr and who will be the whimpering diva? What blowhard will panic in the face of adversity? What quiet soul will step up and surprise everyone? As casting director, I must match each person in the room with a stock action movie persona. The fate of the free world (and the vending machine) is my call.

5. Ten Minutes to Wapner. Also, A Breakfast Cereal
Count. County count count. Ceiling tiles. Pencils. The number of people who are left-handed versus right. The number of light switches. Rings on fingers. Coffee cups. Erasable markers. If you ever need to know the number of anything on Floor 18 or 19, I'm your girl. If you want to know the last thing that was said, you best ask someone else.