Friday, April 18, 2008

DOWN WITH THE LOW

MSN just came out with this article

"Too Tall to Date?"


which outlines 3 reasons why it's hard to date if you're a tall girl.

I'm 5'9 and I love me some short men. Back in the day I used to have a 6'4 and over fetish but the last couple men I've seen with any regularity have been built like Jon Lovitz.

It's weird how when you start dating someone of a different physical type, suddenly that's all you're attracted to. That's all you notice.

The same thing happened when I dated a guy who was Vietnamese. For the whole year afterwards I was running around eye-raping Asian hipster boys with Bruce Lee haircuts on St. Marks.

Here's why short boys are better:

1. People look at you when you're out in public.

But isn't that bad, Erin?
Attention is attention, and extra attention is AWESOME. Think about the person walking the pit bull and the teacup chihuahua. The smiles it brings to people's faces. How weathered old rednecks see it and go, "Takes all kinds." That's YOU! You're ALL KINDS. Rock!


2. It makes you look like a model.

People see you and they're all like, "Holy shit that girl's tall!" and if you're wearing heels, even more so. Being tall is already great, this just helps set off its luster.


3. It makes your boy look like he's rich, has a huge wang, or both.

Walking down the street you hear the whispers, "Why is she with him? He must be loaded," or "You know what? You laugh, Donnie, but I bet the sex is out of control." How are these bad assumptions?


4. Speaking of wangs, lack of vertical altitude does not mean an automatic deduction.

To put it another way, I've dated 5'7 guys who were packing heat and 6'5 guys who were...umm...not. It's always a grab bag. Like Forrest Gump's gay cousin says, "A zipper is like a box of chocolates," and I've seen many a Whitman's Sampler go wrong.


5. It's easy to fit them on your bed and couch.

With a short guy it's all compact and snuggly. Everything fits together like a fleshy Jenga game. With a tall guy it's an all-evening insomnia-inducing symphony of bony limbs and elbows.


QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION:
1. Do you date short or tall individuals?
2. Does height matter to you?
3. For trashy frozen pizza, do you like Tony's better or Stouffer's?

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Accept - Balls To The Wall

i've spent the day writing "insider travel tips" about obscure resorts in the united arab emirates.

while editorial stuff like this is a nice change of pace from the usual drudgery (designing nomenclature schemas! naming buttons!) i still have to bitch.

because coming up with tidbits about local attractions that don't involve anything that would offend the readership is HARD!

write about a BBQ restaurant? nope. PIG IS DIRTY. waterpark? uh huh. bathing suits are for WHORES!

so far i've come up with a variety of neutral tips like this one:

tip #5: LOOK AT SAND.
tip #22: USE A CHAIR FOR SITTING.
tip #37: STAY IN YOUR ROOM AND PLAY WITH THE IRONING BOARD!


it's not the location of the resorts so much as the stipulations of the client. i'd have the same prob if the resorts were in fresno. it's just harder b/c at least fresno i could write about the mall or something. these places are just sand and bibley monuments (another no-no).

Monday, April 14, 2008

crock of stuff

Look, I know. I know. I know. I know.

I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!



Alright? Rock of Love is an affront to feminism for hundreds of reasons, not the least of which include women putting their dignity and lives on hold to vie for the affections of a transvestite alligator.

I just to say one thing:

WRONG CHOICE, BRET!


You so want Daisy. It's undeniable.

I know you want to like that homey chick. That's the sane, intelligent choice. But you're not into that any more than I am men who work normal jobs for a living and maintain a healthy relationship with alcohol.

Don't bother deleting that number from your cell phone, boy.

You'll be back.

AND THE GELFLING WILL BE WAITING...