Thursday, April 3, 2008

(did that sound slutty?)

According to Gawker's Sheila McClear, female sex writers suck.


"To build your notoriety as a dude writer, it's important to have big ideas, or at least think you have them. For postmodern girls, however, it seems the fastest shortcut to getting attention is writing about sex or relationships, faux-frankly."

According to moi, she's the one who smooches the flesh snake.

Isn't this the same Sheila McClear who's shilling a a memoir about her days as a peep show girl?

Isn't this the same Sheila McClear who writes about one of the most tired-ass of hipster sex topics of all time, aka variety show burlesque?

Isn't this the same Sheila McClear who works for a blog so saturated with references to one of the most egregiously cliche mainstream prom queen female sex writers that I can barely stand to read it?

On behalf of myself and every girl who's ever written about fucking (or any other topic, for that matter) I cordially invite you to go get bent.

blue suede shoes, blue suede stilettos

i feel like an alcoholic stepfather saying this.

for years i've alternated between putting her down and ignoring her.

MARIAH YOU'RE BORING!
MARIAH YOU'RE VAIN!
MARIAH VISION OF LOVE IS THE WORST SONG EVER AND I CURSE YOU EVERY TIME I ENTER A SUPERMARKET OR ELEVATOR!



i want to love her. but she needs me to love her so much.

and while her body is slammin', her jawline has always reminded me so strongly of a chimpanzee that my vagina feels dead inside every time i think about fucking her. some people are into obscure shit like "songwriting" and "vocal abilities" but "wanting to fuck" is one of my non-negotiable pre-requisites for a pop star.

but now.

Mariah Carey now has more number 1 hits than Elvis.

holy shit. i'm proud of you girl.

(awkward pat on shoulder, zig-zags out of room clutching tumbler of sambuca)