I NEED THIS LIKE A THIRD ARMPIT

BRO ROWS, BRO

2011-06-03T12:07:00.004-04:00

If we're going to insist on using the term "tramp stamp" to describe any lower back tattoo on a female, let's go ahead and use the term "bro row" for any arm tattoo on a male in a circular formation.

Why?

Because:

1. It's a cheesy and expected place to put a tattoo.

2. It's usually worn by musclehead creepo rapester types.

3. It's fun to make judgments about someone's character and behavior based on the location of their ink.

4. The design is probably something your dumb meathead self picked out at the shop, anyway.

Some Bro Row examples:

The bro row.

Know it.

Use it.

Make it part of your vocabulary.

This has been a public service announcement of the ALBTDL.*

*Anti Lower Back Tattoo Defamation League

Fresh Froot

2011-03-04T12:08:00.002-05:00

I'm a member of Weight Watchers and those kids are always dropping some knowledge.

Like the other day, when I tracked my weight after a good 2 months off. It said something to the effect of:

"Hmm..It seems you've gained weight. If you know why, then stop. If you don't, perhaps you should figure it out."

It read a bit like a message one would find in a fortune cookie after sitting down to a dinner hosted by Richard Simmons, only the the email itself wasn't slathered in baby oil.

This week I've been seeing this graphic:

whenever I log in to my account.

I don't have any questions about fruit but if I did, they might be something like:

*What's a fruit?

*Where can I purchase it?

*Why is it so pricey?

*Do you think my aversion to anything with a peel stems from the fact that my hipster ad agency thinks it's too adorable for a vending machine and therefore it's one of the few snacks provided gratis by my employer? Free bananas means we care about your health. Awww, THANKS COMPANY! I guess I don't mind that you raised my insurance premium.

*Why do Clementines come in adorable little crates while pears lie around all shiftless, sloppy, and disorganized?

*When will I come to terms with fruit's actual life cycle vs. my perceived aspirational life cycle and, upon purchase, just throw it directly into the garbage?

*Why do old people keep cans of fruit cocktail in their dresser drawers?

Etsy Thinks I'm A Racist

2011-02-14T13:27:00.009-05:00

Albeit, a very twee and whimsical one. Like I'd lynch you, but I'd hand-crochet the noose out of organic fibers first.

Life After Death

2010-10-24T20:34:00.008-04:00

My time as Miss Info is dunzo

I feel like this:

but also like this at the time:

I'll be writing on Third Armpit more and Twitter.

I don't have time for a post right now, as I spent all night on something for The Daily Beast which I'll link to as soon as it's up but here's a photo of a disgusting pretzel I saw at the airport, Tabby Spanx from this weekend's SNL, and a Third Armpit Mini Best Of to get you started:

Third Armpit Mini Best Of
Fun with Google Image Search: keyword "church dress"
10 Halloween Costumes for Pat Kiernan
How to Play No Ear Cat Samurai

Hooray for Progress!

2010-09-23T12:55:00.002-04:00

Nike ad, 1995

Reebok ad, 2010

Every Rose Has Its Thorn, But Watch Out for the Pricks, aka The Date-Trolling Musicians of Craigslist

2010-06-07T14:32:00.005-04:00

Oh, hi. I'll teach you the opening chords to Paradise City for a handy.

A follow-up to this summer's Jake Gyllenhaal blockbuster: The Prince of Inertia.

A wang is a wang is a wang. Gertrude Stein, please accept our apologies.

For more on dating musicians of every shade, stripe, and spandex, check out Every Rose Has Its Thorn: The Rock N Roll Field Guide to Guys, out June 10th on Penguin.

5 awesome youtube videos about glasses + my interview interview in glasses glasses

2010-03-26T13:49:00.015-04:00

the lovely and talented jessica alter recently interviewed me for the arts/music/events/everything-you-need-to-know-about website and cool kid collective glasses glasses.

i talk about life as a sex advice columnist, my new book, my philosophy on dating, and my favorite pick-up line. there's also a brief section on stain removal and google's plan to index all the world's penises. by size.

read it here.

then check out:

the 5 greatest eyeglasses-related YouTube videos of all time

Favorite scene/line: 0:42 "Uh oh. Now she's gone and ruined everything."

Favorite scene/line: 0:10-0:14 - The fast cuts. OAKTENSITY! OAKDRAMA!

Favorite scene/line: 0:24 - Walt's pilled-out mom serenades him with some Stevie Wonder.

Favorite scene/line: ALL - Parents, get Tina contacts or RUIN PROM FOREVER.

Favorite scene/line: ALL - I have one of these with a built-in beer holder on back-order.

Fun with Google Image Search: Very Special "Happy Birthday, Ross Morrison!" Edition

2010-03-18T16:02:00.009-04:00

For your birthday, a very special collection of Google-Image-Searched Ross Morrisons...

+Teaches high school biology and doesn't need your shit Ross Morrison+

+Has a fish he's using as a weapon Ross Morrison+

+Laid back party shirt with blonde toupee and chest hair Ross Morrison+

+Let me tell you about the war Ross Morrison+

+"Dude, let's go get some Sonic," Ross Morrison+

+Confused and sweaty Finnish prom date Ross Morrison+

+OMG WE ARE SO PUTTING THIS ON FACEBOOK! Ross Morrison+

Other Fun with Google Image Searches:
Church dress
Senior portrait

The Police is Taking a Long, Hard Look

2010-02-21T23:39:00.003-05:00

Someone is missing...

Every Rose Has Its Horny Old Man

2009-12-10T16:25:00.004-05:00

Q: Which is scarier and more damaging?

This....

Or THIS....??!!!

As my girl Sinéad said on SNL in the early 90's, fear the REAL enemy. (2:58 for those of you too lazy to watch the whole spiel)

A Parrot That Speaks French??!

2009-10-16T13:21:00.001-04:00

10 Halloween Costumes for Pat Kiernan

2009-10-09T15:03:00.006-04:00

Pat Kiernan, or "KierKier" as I like to call him, is my favorite news anchor on New York 1. He's the only person I can tolerate speaking to me in the morning. No one can speak to me in the morning. Not even my boyfriend.

Since he gives so very much to me, and so very much to us all, I thought he might like some SUPER FREE, SUPER GREAT ideas for Halloween costumes.

#1: JASON KIERNAN

#2: 1950'S ANCHORMAN KIERNAN

#3: RADIOACTIVE PIRATE KIERNAN WHO IS ABOUT TO PROPOSE

#4: SEXY KITTY KIERNAN WHO'S OUT FOR A DRINK WITH THE GIRLS

#5: BEARDED KIERNAN WHO GOT CAUGHT IN THE SNOW

#6: BEAR ATTACK KIERNAN

#7: KIERNAN IN SERIOUS PERIL FROM A GIANT ANCHOR-EATING SPIDER WHO SOMEHOW GOT INTO THE STUDIO

#8: UPSIDE-DOWN KIERNAN WHO IS FRIENDS WITH TWO TEDDY BEARS

#9: METAL KIERNAN

#10: HAMMERHEAD SHARK TANK KIERNAN

What's YOUR dream costume for Mr. Kiernan? Here's your base photo. Now go to Picnik and create your own!

I am writing a book.

2009-08-18T14:42:00.012-04:00

Even cooler, it's ALREADY ON SALE.

Because I am writing a book, I do not have time to blog as blog as I'd like. I will save files or links or pictures on my desktop, hoping to one day share them. Then I will delete them all when it gets too cluttered and I cannot see my kitten wallpaper as clearly as I require.

Anyway. Enough of this. I'm just going to give them to you. Without comment. Without fanfare.

Think of me as Shelley Winters meets Khalil Gibran. Only more lazy.
_____________________________________________________________

#1
From Chord & Sorcery's "Hall of Hunks", this 10 Top Things I Notice About Rock Stars essay.

#2
This awesome photo from a web site that sells ballet apparel:
#3
These tasteful Insane Clown Posse Wedding Goblets, available for purchase on eBay.

#4
This instructor photo from The Learning Annex:

The Blue Oxford: A New American Clawsic

2009-08-13T16:37:00.002-04:00

moar funny pictures

The Sartorial Satirist

2009-08-12T14:10:00.007-04:00

"More than the Comme Des Garcons black/green camo jacket, I love the gentle spirit of this young man.

For me, the whole shot is about the way he holds his hands and his posture.

This is where personal interpretation comes into play -

Is he housebroken? obdurate? hungry for sea urchin and carrot foam?

Is he recovering from recent dental surgery or terrified of becoming suddenly and uncontrollably airborne, despite his Joan Rivers Classics Collection neck adornment?

My genuisy fashiony skinnier-than-your bloated JC Penney trouser-ensconced brain wonders..."

Head on over to The Sartorialist for the original y'all.

YOUTUBE CAT BIRTHDAY - MRS. FLUFFERS

2009-07-30T17:17:00.001-04:00

Separated at Birth

2009-07-30T16:39:00.003-04:00

Birther Movement Leader Orly Taitz

Home Shopping Network Personality Tova Borgnine

Craigslist Honors Michael Jackson

2009-07-07T13:26:00.005-04:00

A collection of Craigslisters celebrating the King of Pop in their own special way.

Pretty Old Thing, Repeat After Me...

Wanna Be Starting Something? (Before the Memorial Service)

Some People Will Do Anything for Diet Slice & Peanuts

Only ONE Name Spells Authenticity

Cooled, Condensed Air & Asti Spumante

Comfort Dick? I Bet Dirty Diana Had A Lot of That in the Eighties

Forecast: Partly Rhinestone with a Slight Chance of Fingering

Dear Madonna

2009-05-07T13:44:00.003-04:00

I would not want you adopting my child, either.

Don't Say I Never Gave You Anything

2009-04-13T22:14:00.007-04:00

You know about the Duggars, right? The family with 18 kids? Of course you do.

If you haven't already, I highly recommend you check out their totally uncensored, non-TLC-watered-down family website.

Josh and Anna have their own blessed URL, which is where I found the links you're about to behold:

Anna & Josh Duggar Gift Registry at Bed, Bath & Beyond

Anna & Josh Duggar Gift Registry at Wal-Mart

I don't know why, but I am excited BEYOND WORDS about getting to see their taste in flatware. And cereal bowls.

This is way more important than, say, doing laundry because I've been freestyling for 3 days sans underwear or working on what I owe my editors.

Oh yeah, and they're EXPECTING A BABY.

I look forward to attending the shower.

ShawWow, ShamFound

2009-04-08T13:56:00.023-04:00

all images courtesy Flickr. all reviews courtesy InformercialRatings.com.

Hi, it's Vince from ShamWow!

I'm here with ShamBaby...

ShamCat...

ShamDrunkGirl...

ShamFerret*...
*product not pictured

and ShamGod

to tell you about the product that will eliminate urine from your RV and Olympic Divers use AS A TOWEL!

But don't take my word for it...

**************************************************************************

It stinks and i don't like it

3/28/2009 - Tony Peretti of Ma, usa writes:

I bought one and when i recieved it i tried using it when Ramone urinated on the floor. It did not clean it up and it made more of a mess.

**************************************************************************

P.O.S.

3/19/2009 - Steve of Oklahoma, USA writes:

This product does not work at all. I would have had better luck using the box they came in to dry my wifes car. Never trust a pitch man the looks like Beavis. P.O.S.

**************************************************************************

Turd

11/27/2008 - J'Rocl of Iowa, USA writes:

This product is a big joke. "Buy now we cant do this all day" is what they say on the info. Almost a year later and they are still trying to sell this. I bet spray on hair was a better product then this. The only thing I use my SHAMWOW for is a Tug toy for my German Shepard, and he barely like it.

**************************************************************************

But we can't do this all day.

Are you following me, Camera Guy?

Peace out!

How ya livin Biggie Smallz?

2009-02-16T18:38:00.009-05:00

I love it when you call me Big Ga-to

Throw your hands in the air, if you'se a true player

I love it when you call me Big Ga-to

To the honies gettin money playin niggaz like dummies

I love it when you call me Big Ga-to

If you got a gun up in your waist please don't shoot up the place

Cause I see some ladies tonight who should be havin my baby

Bay-bee

non-feline version

Pretty fucking sick, Hotmail...

2009-02-06T14:46:00.002-05:00

fun with google image search: 'church dress'

2009-01-02T15:05:00.018-05:00

This is a party baby. Let there be no doubt. You're all like, "SHHHHH, baby! We're in church!" and she's all like, "Fuck that, I'm going to put on mommy's leg garter! What up, Father O'Donovan? Pass the wine!"

Hey Future Shitty Popular Girl: Why don't you do the kids in your 9th grade class a favor and nibble on some of that poinsettia for a while?

Leopold and Debra met on DoggieChristianSingles. She introduced him to the Missionary position. He introduced her to blotting paper and obscure Renaissance architecture.

Don't worry, little one. I know a good torso tailor. He does excellent work. Very little scarring.

Isn't it weird how you can just look at someone and know what their deviled eggs would probably taste like?

Oh Krystal. I don't know if it's appropriate for Bible school, but I do love that you look like a dressy Hershey's Special DARK.

She looks like a rose. The silk kind you buy in a tube, right before you chuck it out and make it into a crack pipe.

SECT 104F ADVANCED FLORAL ARRANGING, WITH PROFESSOR BABY YODA: In this course students will continue to build upon and refine all previously established bouquet-making techniques, including Sith Lord funeral arrangements, nerf-herder gift baskets, and Wookie corsages. All students must complete a Jedi Knight centerpiece as their final project.

List of Names for Depressing 30 & 40-Something Singles Bars

2008-12-02T19:50:00.006-05:00

*Bananas
*Bananas II
*Discourse!
*McGrabby's Bar & Grille
*Inhibitions
*Inihibitions West
*Flir-Tay-Shuns
*TGI Hopefuls
*Numb & Number
*Shambles
*Searchers

More of the Shame

2008-11-18T11:26:00.004-05:00

Last week I asked Miss Information readers to send in their most humiliating sexual moment. You can check out the winner in this week's column.

Here are some of the equally awesome runners-up that didn't make it:

Why Window Treatments are Optional. As is Shame.
"One year in college, I lived in an old stone building that was extremely cold and drafty in the winter. The school sent out the custodians to seal plastic over the inside of the windows to try to improve things for the winter. They came while I was out, sealing in the items that were on my window ledge, as well as leaving the curtain open. My choice was to leave it like that, or freeze to fix the situation. I chose to leave it.

One day, I was naked in bed giving my boyfriend a blow job. I happened to glance out the window and saw a group of people watching from the window across the way! I yelped, stopped what I was doing, and tried to cover us up. They all thought that was extremely funny, and started pointing and laughing and calling more people over. It was horrible.

Eventually, I realized there was only one way out of this. So, I threw back the covers, resumed what I was doing, and gave them a little wave in the process. Now, it was their turn to look embarrassed. The girl whose room it was dragged the guys away from the window, shot us a dirty look, and yanked her shade down. Mercifully, it stayed down the rest of the winter, as I couldn't fix my own. I got something of a reputation around campus, but that's the boyfriend I married, so I guess it all worked out okay in the end."

Bottoms Up, Ass + Glass...The Title Possibilities are Endless
"My boyfriend and I were fooling around in my bedroom, and for whatever reason, he was lying on my bed pretty much fully clothed, and I was on all fours on top of him, completely naked.

Just then, my mother opens the door to my room without looking, and is greeted by my big naked butt. She closed the door immediately and left (we've never spoken about it - we're too British to do that), but while she was exiting, I tried to hide the best way I could: I rolled off the side of my bed onto the floor.

Unfortunately, I misjudged the distance between the bed and the nearby bookcase, slammed into my bookcase, and had my entire glass bottle collection come crashing down on top of me.

Of course, my considerate boyfriend was too busy freaking out to notice that I was covered in bottles. In fact, he was so "deer in the headlights" that when I asked him about it recently, he had no recollection of the bottle barrage at all!"

Enter the Dragon. Actually, Scratch That. Better Wait.
"At the college I attended, there is a big building that is designed to look like a castle on the outside. My boyfriend and I always wanted to have sex outside on one of the turrets or on the roof. We just wanted to make sure we had a place where we couldn't be seen or stumbled upon accidentally.

One day, we decided to go for it, and went out scouting. We had just climbed out a window from a unused kitchen, when up popped this small child! And right behind him was my psychology professor!

My professor knew right away what we were up to, and said sternly that he and his grandson were on a dragon hunt. We assured the boy that there were no dragons out there, and we would let him know if we saw any. We decided that particular turret was not a good spot for our plans. We wanted to keep scouting, but every good spot we tried, the dragon hunting pair had gotten to right before us, and my professor kept shooting us dirty looks. So, we gave up.

The next day in class, he asked in front of everyone how our 'dragon hunting' had gone the day before. I'm sure I turned beet red, and then had to explain the story my friends, because they wouldn't let it drop. They were rolling with laughter. It was terrible.

My boyfriend and I did eventually, uh, 'find the dragon' before we graduated, but that's a whole different story."

Brevity is the Soul of Sh*t, aka The Perv Hemingway
"The morning after a night of many pleasures I was aglow while walking my dog through the dappled sunlight. Then she pooped out a condom. Just as old Italian woman was walking by.

Dear Hindu Jeebus:

2008-11-16T17:48:00.004-05:00

Please let me come back as a reed in Lionel Richie's saxophone in my next life.

Sincerely Yours,

Erin Bradley

I Own A Moderate Amount of Things. This is One of My Favorites.

2008-11-12T14:41:00.008-05:00

Her name is Missnake, as in "Oops, I made a..." I won her at a street fair in Little Italy. I actually popped enough balloons to qualify for something bigger, something the guy running the game explained to me as if i were a 32-year-old child. But I held firm. I have a soft spot for aggressively crappy plush toys. I like how the tongue is the width of the entire head and there are barely clinging-on stickers instead of buttons for eyes. She has a red underbelly and mustard-colored fur. I catch her looking at me sometimes.

An Election Eve Warning to Senator McCain

2008-11-03T16:23:00.008-05:00

You want beef with me?
Take a number and get in line.
You bump heads with me?
I pop ya top off with the nine.
You mad at me?
Shit, cause you can't shine?
You ain't gettin yours?
That's fucked up cause I'm gettin mine.
The original, courtesy my other badass boo boo foo foo.
Love the belt buckle, sugar. Call me!

Top 3 Michaels Who Shouldn't Smile

2008-10-24T11:36:00.010-04:00

#3 Michael Imperioli
MADE
PLAYED

#2 Michael Phelps
GOLD
TROLLED

#1 Michael Cera
PIMP
SIMP
I'm sensing a pattern here...

chain, chain, chain (chain of self-aggrandizing hyperlinks and photos)

2008-10-22T17:31:00.009-04:00

Here's the new Miss Information. There are cats in it. And problems.

Online Dating Roundtable on The Morning News. I got to have my writing appear side-by-side with the guy who edits Modern Love. WRITERBONER!

I went to the cat show at Madison Square Garden last weekend. (picture courtesy o-town)

I donated blood this afternoon and puked on the sidewalk in front of my building. Next time I am going to eat 9 McGriddles first. Thank you, anonymous truck driver who brought me water.

I am going to write a longer, essay-type entry soon. Anyone have any questions or suggestions for topics? THE DJ BOOTH IS OPEN.

Separated at Birth

2008-10-16T17:43:00.004-04:00

E.T. playing dress-up
Rachel Zoe

Name your children something ridiculous. Buy a pair of $575 leggings. Marry someone vacuous. Give the life-affirming gift of an olive-aioli tapenade.

2008-10-10T12:51:00.007-04:00

Dear Gwyneth Paltrow,

Thank you for putting a name to exactly why I find you so annoying.

Loves,
Erin

C is for Cookie, You Don't Want to Ask About D

2008-10-06T20:36:00.008-04:00

Volunteering today, I catch the tail end of a conversation.
"MATURE!" yells the little girl.

"UH UHHHH!!!!" yells the little boy.

Repeat nine times over.

I butt in, trying to break the cycle.

"Do you guys knows the difference between mature and immature?" I ask, feeling a bit like Mr. Rogers.

"No, but I know what mature is," says the girl.

"OK," I reply. "What is it?"

She breaks into a big smile. "It's a game for adults!"

Haahahahahahahahha! Guess we know whose parents got caught fucking and/or had to explain to the shorties why they can't watch HBO.

"I can play Guitar Hero," brags the little boy. "Some of the songs have bad words."

It was then I realized that chica was picking up her vocab by reading the rating system on the cover of Grand Theft Auto.

Lord bless us.

Don't Mess with the Mustache

2008-10-06T17:29:00.008-04:00

Jezebel had this vile bit of hate up on their site this morning.

I'd like to respond with this terse, image-only rebuttal.

Not only does it make a case for the mustache as a thing of beauty and adoration, it does so without invoking either of the 2 most commonly used examples to defend its noble position, aka the the Reynolds and the Selleck. The moustache does not need to do stoop to such levels. Such is the mustache's resilience and glory.

1. Young Sam Elliott
2. Dallas Cowboy, "Mr. Clutch" Drew Pearson
3. George Harrison
4. Billy Dee as Lando in Star Wars
5. Olympian Mark Spitz
6. Floyd the Muppet*

*Shut up. You know you'd totally do him. Who else you gonna get with? Dr. Teeth's a scary nutjob and Janice has herpes.

Well then...

2008-09-27T15:46:00.002-04:00

Doing research for a book proposal I'm writing.

Apparently people put Ecstasy up their butts now. Also, Adderall and other prescription pills. It's called "plugging".

Harry & Wills, Pussy & Pills

2008-09-24T15:15:00.003-04:00

7th and final Neighborhoodie launched today.

Get it here.

Miss Information & Neighborhoodies. It Can't. It Won't. It Don't Stop.

2008-09-19T16:57:00.002-04:00

Get yours here.

Miss Information on Neighborhoodies

2008-09-15T19:58:00.005-04:00

I know you want to dress like me.

You want the look of a grown ass woman who still buys her clothes as Rainbow, colors in pantyhose runs with black Sharpie marker and applies Febreze directly to her skin as a makeshift cologne.

Well, call up Grandma and tell your parole officer to meet you at Olive Garden. The wait is officially over.

The gang at Neighborhoodies and I have teamed up to create a Miss Information line of t-shirts.

Collect all 7 and ORDER NOW.

Top 5 Pretend Make Believes I Do During Business Meetings When Someone Really Boring is Talking

2008-09-15T19:03:00.009-04:00

1. Doin' the Do
This involves ranking every person in the room - from highest to lowest - in the order I'd schtup them. Doesn't matter if they're male, female, old, young, pregnant, married, etc. THEY MUST BE RANKED. No exceptions are allowed.

2. Let's Break for Lunch
This is also about ranking - highest to lowest - same kind of principle. Only instead of sex it's about who I'd eat first if I were stuck on a snow-covered mountain or marooned on a desert island.

3. Purple Rain, Track #1
This isn't about ranking so much as a single thought:

"What's the most inappropriate thing I could do right now, and how would everyone react if I actually carried it out?"

Usually it's something like getting on top of the conference room table and screaming like a monkey or taking my clothes off but sometimes I fantasize about dumping water cups over people's heads or screaming "THIS IS BOW-RING!" at the speaker really, really loud.

4. Jerry Bruckheimer is my CEO
The entire office building is under siege. The only safe place is this conference room and the only people I can trust are my coworkers. Who will be the brave martyr and who will be the whimpering diva? What blowhard will panic in the face of adversity? What quiet soul will step up and surprise everyone? As casting director, I must match each person in the room with a stock action movie persona. The fate of the free world (and the vending machine) is my call.

5. Ten Minutes to Wapner. Also, A Breakfast Cereal
Count. County count count. Ceiling tiles. Pencils. The number of people who are left-handed versus right. The number of light switches. Rings on fingers. Coffee cups. Erasable markers. If you ever need to know the number of anything on Floor 18 or 19, I'm your girl. If you want to know the last thing that was said, you best ask someone else.

Oh Stevie, You're So Fine. You're So Fine You Blow My Mind. HEY STEVIE!

2008-09-05T12:16:00.001-04:00

9-0-2-1-OLD

2008-09-03T16:27:00.005-04:00

Had a viewing party yesterday for the premiere of the new 90210.

Toilets were decorated.

Nat's Peach Pit Pie was consumed.

Pin-the-Sideburn-on-the-Brandon was played, with mixed results.

5 REASONS WHY IT'S BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL

1. More of what makes TV drama so wonderful: swearing, sexual innuendo, blowjobs

2. Feisty drunk grandma is feisty. And drunk

3. Noveau David Silver character much, much hotter than original

4. Girl who plays Naomi has same haircut as Naomi in Showgirls

5. Rather than basketball player or political militant swathed in kente cloth,* sole black character gets to play stupid rich kid, like everybody else

5 REASONS WHY WE SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT ALONE

1. Females so thin they look like Blythe dolls

2. Parents way too young/hot. Carol & Jim let Bran and Bren get away with shit real parents never would but at least they looked the part

3. Brenda character is adorably clumsy/goofy charming a la Terri Hatcher in Desperate Housewives. Oops! I tripped! Aren't I adorable? Look, I don't care if you throw yourself down 5 flights of steps and spill Dr. Pepper on the Pope. I'm never going to buy that a stunning 5'10 chick with long silky hair and perfectly straight teeth is a social outcast. It's geek blackface, it's offensive, and I'm not buying it

4. Real Brenda keeps smiling. On anyone else this would be pleasant but on Ms. B it's unnerving. Is it in her new contract? Bad Botox?

5. Still not clear on who's supposed to be Dylan. The guy in the French cuffs? Ethan the cheater? That guy's a yo-yo.

*Seasons 5 & Season 2 of original, respectively

Lunch Drunk

2008-08-28T12:52:00.004-04:00

Rather than keep all four lanes of an always-very-busy Broadway open, the city has seen fit to close off half of them and install the very useful, tranquil public space you see here.

You can't really get the extent (or non-extent) in this photo, but the overall effect is that someone has plopped down a one-inch layer of aquarium gravel and several small benches. SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD.

And people are sitting on them! For the love of Jay-Z, WHY? So they can get hit by stray cigarette butts and taxi driver spit from passing cars?

When they were putting it in I thought the only people who would use it would be tourists and hobos. Wrong. There's a bunch of business people. Most of them probably work in my building.

I cannot stress enough how depressing the vibe is. I'd rather take my salami and provolone and eat it in the john.

Maybe they're all doing phone interviews or something. One can only hope.

(Y)awnings

2008-08-27T13:22:00.002-04:00

Behold, the most thrilling blog ever written...

On Workplace Perks

2008-08-25T12:52:00.003-04:00

The economy's tanking, Google's pulling arugula pesto chicken panini from the mouths of babies, but at MY job the livin's eaaaaaaaassssy.

Saw this on the fridge today. Managed to stop my hands from trembling with excitement long enough to snap this picture:

Related:

A Tinge of Cringe

2008-08-21T14:06:00.009-04:00

I'll be one of a number of those sharing humiliating high school dreck in Cringe: Teenage Diaries, Journals, Notes, Letters, Poems, and Abandoned Rock Operas, which goes on sale Friday.

Today I had to scan some photos from that period. The writers are going to wear photo buttons of their old school selves at the book release party.
This one isn't from that period, it's from freshman year of college. The girl on the left is me, the one on the right is my sister. She was a sophmore.

Everything about this picture screams mid-Nineties. Fuck 90-new-10 and their faux nostalgia. I've got Cobain hair, brown cords, and shirt sleeves over my wrists because I AM NOT NIRVANA. I used to wonder why my BFF got all the tail. Umm, maybe because I dressed like a lesbian? Who would you rather fuck - the girl in the cute sundress or the one in the ratty mustard yellow grandpa cardigan?

My sister looks like a cheerleader for the Baltimore Ravers. They host weekly underground games in which two neon-clad teams try to out-hug each other while grooving to the sounds of disco-tripno-techno. Very often the cheerleaders will drop E during pre-game and spend the entire time humping their megaphones.

There's also not one, but TWO posters of Mr. Chris Cornell from Soundgarden. You never know when you're going to need a greasy-haired pretend Satanist. Best to have an extra lying around.

Learn more about Cringe here or listen to this story on NPR.

Also, see what Cornell's been up to. Pretty sweet stuff y'all.

Happy (Late) Birthday, Madge!

2008-08-17T22:21:00.007-04:00

This was always one of my favorites. Highly underrated.

FUN FACT!: The guy who plays her boyfriend was actually her real boyfriend at the time.

Best part is 1:51. I don't know why I find it so incredibly HOT but I have a few theories:

In this video, Madonna is...

1. Wearing all white

2. Playing around in the street

3. Not at all being hard to get

Do you wanna see me down on my knees?
Or bending over backwards now would you be pleased?
Unlike the others I'd do anything.
I'm not the same, I have no shame.
I'm on fire!

Which means she's breaking 3 cardinal rules my mother impressed upon me as a youngster. I still have a hard time bringing myself to buy a white top. I hear a little voice going, "But what if you spill?" and I put it back on the rack. Maybe this is why I'm never invited to Diddy's White Party. I'd have to hire extra security to get there early and canvas the premises for clumsy people and cranberry juice.

Have a good one, M. I promise I'll Netflix Desparately Seeking Susan.

O Positive(ly Disgusting)

2008-08-14T20:14:00.009-04:00

Donated blood this afternoon on my lunch hour. As you can see, the tech had some issues.

I don't know what went wrong. She didn't tell me. I think it had to do with the blood going into the bag. Instead of flowing downward it kept chilling in the tube and she had to use this little scissor/roller-type contraption to get things going.

The tube was very thin and clear and as she kept messing around more and more of it got coiled around my wrist. The part that had blood in it looked like red spaghetti and the sight of it made me nauseous.

Unusual, since I'm not averse to needles or gore. I can easily surf rotten.com while eating a chicken salad sandwich. I watched that horrific Olympic weightlifting video and my first thought was, "Whoa, did you see how fast the Chinese were with those press barriers? Motherfuckin' ON POINT son!!!"

I just don't like the idea of my blood being chunky. One, because it doesn't sound very good for you. Two, because I want lots of sympathy when I get minor cuts. In order to achieve this, my blood must come spurting out like a Jackson Pollock painting.

I shouldn't be surprised though. Everything about my system is slow:

Slow pulse - Usually in the low 60's even though I don't exercise and gobble so much salt I'm almost mummified.

Low blood pressure See above. Often the number that's supposed to be higher doesn't crack 100.

Low body temp - Don't know what this is from but probably explains why I am always cold.

Miscellaneous - I don't sweat. Rarely shit, like every 3 days.

I have the circulatory system of a three-toed sloth yet somehow I'm still brimming with nervous energy. I can watch TV, check my email, brush the cat, and organize my jewelry box - all at the same time. Yet still I'm bored and restless.

Speaking of blood, the Bloods should organize a BLOOD DRIVE. The play on words would be ADORABLE. And practical, too...

SEPARATED AT BIRTH

2008-08-11T21:08:00.009-04:00

olympic swimmer Michael Phelps

comedian BJ Novak
but let's not forget the speedo who started it all, ladies and boners i give you mr. mark spitz...

T.I.'s "No Matter What". Later on, a candid sexual appraisal of former president Ronald Reagan.

2008-08-05T19:29:00.025-04:00

I subscribe to a gazillion blogs but only 2 mailing lists.
The first is HBO Documentary Films, the other is T.I.

Today T.I. emailed to tell me about his new video.

It's called "No Matter What" and it's all about how much it sucks to be confined to your 3-story 6 bedroom, 8 bath mansion that sits on 1.7 acres and boasts stunning lake views, a swimming pool, cathedral ceilings, a banquet-style dining room, a master suite w/mahogany paneled study, a nursery, a custom gourmet kitchen w/double ovens, an exercise room and a home theater while being paid lots of money to record an album that many will listen to, but few will actually buy.

T.I. wants you to know that he will go on. Like the Titanic. And Celine Dion's genitalia reassignment. You go on ahead with your gorgeous young self. YOU RAP THROUGH THE PAIN, T.I.

Some of the highlights:

When he goes "git, git, git it!" at 0:59. He looks like a vampy young Richard Simmons.

(starting at 1:21 and throughout) THREE CHEERS FOR SEARS PORTRAIT STUDIO T.I.! Only thing better would be him posing next to two large building blocks, one saying "T" and the other "I". He's hugging an oversized crayon and wearing nothing more than a little bitty engineer's cap/kerchief and a come-hither smile.

There's also an adorable moment at 3:30 where he leans in and chastises you but you know it's only because he thinks you're so cute the way you wrinkle up your nose when you talk and consume oversized lollipops with your bare vagina.

Speaking of cute, here's a sweet Rick Ross remix dedicated to a presidential candidate who's been made to feel less beautiful than Christina Aguilera these days. Obama, I love you, narrow ass and all.

Something Tells Me Douglas Haddow's Never Taken 'The History of Advertising'

2008-08-01T15:03:00.016-04:00

Hipster: The Dead End of Western Civilization

Everyone's talking about this article.

Rehashes are boring and reading is so 1986, so I'm only going to talk about a very small snippet:

Hipsterdom is the first “counterculture” to be born under the advertising industry’s microscope, leaving it open to constant manipulation but also forcing its participants to continually shift their interests and affiliations.

Maybe talk isn't the right word. Let's show rather than tell, shall we?

Definitely no co-opting here.

Here either.

Move along, ma'am. Just a simple ad for a vehicle.

Anyone can make a pun and have it sound like a radical social movement. An honest mistake. We swear.

OK, look. Peter Max owed us a favor.

Demographic success served up funky fresh. What's your beef?

Tears, Beers, and Potato Skins

2008-07-29T17:46:00.013-04:00

Read today that a big portion of the Bennigan's chain is closing.

I worked at Bennigan's for a little shy of two years in college.

During that time I served up many sides of ranch, endured inane Quality, Service, Cleanliness! trainings, and memorized a 25-word phone greeting.

I pilfered hot chocolate from the supply room, smoked pot with the dishwashers, and was once disciplined by a manager named Bob for not being more like Tamika. Tamika, said Bob, is perky.

I met the guy who would eventually become my ex-fiance, had my first lesbian crush, and got in a 120 decibel screaming match over a Country Fried Chicken Salad with a cook named Ringo.

I loved customers. Hated customers. Had customers where I was totally indifferent. I served beer to Mateen Cleaves and iced tea to Governor Engler. I saw marriage proposals and prom dates.

Mostly, I worked my ass off. 8, 10, 14 hour shifts. I never got any love from management, except the $50 check I got when the rest of the staff voted me Most Valuable Employee.

I think it had to do with the Tamika effect. I was 22 years old and very much a Midwesterner, i.e. too naive to see the benefit in flirting with grody married managers in their 40's.

Had I known then what I know now, I would have definitely went for it.

IS THAT A MOZZARELLA STICK IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

Bennigan's managers had the power to make or break you. In the right section you could pull $200 and get out well before midnight. The wrong section and you'd make $30, work just as hard, and be stuck until 2 a.m. cleaning. Guess who always got the wrong section?

I quit on Father's Day, the busiest day of the year. I purposely picked up a double shift the week before, so they'd have to find not one, but two people to replace me.

My hatred has dulled over the years, but reading this news I still felt a little more satisfaction than is probably normal for someone of my forgiving nature.

A few minutes ago I went on the Bennigan's site and found the number for my old location. I called it. Still in business. Still that same, lame long-ass greeting. I immediately hung up. Nothing personal, Tamika.

FOTO FAMILY FOURTH

2008-07-09T22:18:00.012-04:00

My sister and I went to Detroit and Grand Rapids to see our parents and grandma. The first night we went to a neighborhood fun fair/fireworks show, where we quickly established ourselves as the Venus and Serena Williams of that cutthroat Midwestern sport, the cake walk.

The second day we saw grandma. She is 95 and the biggest firecracker you ever saw. She cooks, she shops, she's up on news both real and tabloid. She wears bangin' jewelry, always votes Democrat and smells like Shalimar cologne.

After dinner my sister and I took liberties with some tropical birds. It all traces back to a day in high school when Heather came home to discover my best friend and I had wallpapered her bedroom with pictures of macaws. Kev and I were always doing shit like that. I blame lack of access to drugs and alcohol.

Coming home we had a 2 hour layover in the Milwaukee airport. There was some sort of aviation museum, which had this book and a newspaper article about a guy named Dick Bong.

This guy has nothing to do with my trip but he's been on my hard drive for a while. Several months ago I put an ad on Craigslist looking for a date. This was one of the responses. I have to say, nice shave job. Think I'll invite him over next time I'm doing my bikini line. He'll show up with a bottle of Ciroc, some semi-good weed, and a protractor and we'll go to town.

the best sesame street bit ever

2008-06-28T15:34:00.004-04:00

a rose is a rose is a rose is a kermit the grof t-shirt.

what's your favorite sketch?

p.s. catch the muppets tonight on SNL as they re-air their original 1975 premiere episode in honor of the late george carlin.

fun with google image search: "halloween 1984"

2008-06-24T00:58:00.004-04:00

Bird is the Turd is the Word

2008-06-24T00:56:00.001-04:00

Apple Bottom Jeans, Boots with the Fur, The Whole Club was Lookin' at Hurrrr.....

2008-06-24T00:52:00.003-04:00

Ask the Fish Monger Nicely for Your Tuna Steak

2008-06-15T19:11:00.000-04:00

MC Scat Cat & Bathroom Bingo

2008-06-13T16:19:00.012-04:00

Volunteering yesterday at the nursing home.

There's two cats that live there. Neither are as cool as that one that was in the news but they're still pretty cool regardless.

I hope when I'm old and fucked up there'll be a few animals hanging around. All the benefits of grandchildren without the awkward conversation and requests for family heirlooms.

We're halfway through a game when the brown one takes a whiz on the tile floor. I alert Sam, the project organizer. He's an older, cheerful Eastern European.

"Hey Sam! That cat is peeing!"
"What?"
"The cat. He's peeing. Look. Right there. See that big puddle?"
"Oh."
"Should I get someone?"
"No, no. Don't worry."

Sam goes back to calling numbers.

"Hey Sam. What about the..."
"Is OK. They mop later."

Have you ever smelled pure, unadulterated cat piss, with no litter or anything to absorb it? Now imagine that same smell, during a heat wave, in an un-air conditioned room, IN A NURSING HOME.

Fuck it. I own cats. I've scrubbed toilets in restaurants. Collected piss-spattered bottles from behind the urinals during my employment at various bars. I start soaking up the mess with the only thing handy - wheelchair incontinence pads - in lieu of paper towels.

"No. No. NO!" Sam yells.
He shoos me away.
"Is okay. We play bingo."

Apparently homeboy Sam just wants to let it ride, despite the volunteers and residents wrinkling up their noses and the wet mass of cat pee and wheelchair pads still chilling on the floor.

"Oh I'm fine! This is no problem! I have cats at home!" I say, trying to sound firm, yet kind and energetic and spunky.

Sam's not hearing it. He shoos me away once more.

I give up and return to my chair.

Twenty minutes of stench later, Sam is circulating the room, offering everyone butter cookies from a round blue tin. You know the ones. You get them at the drugstore.

What the fuck is wrong with Sam? Can he not see? Can he not smell?

Everyone in the room is looking at him like he's a fucking lunatic. There's an all-consuming, almost edible presence of cat piss, a situation which could be very easily resolved with 4 seconds of effort and a trash can, and here he is running around like Suzy Hostess.

I wish I could say I played the hero and acted in the name of decency and common sense and resolved the cat pee issue.

I didn't.

I sat there like a lump for the rest of the hour. No one else spoke up. Fuck them. I can't do everything. I fulfilled my end of the social contract.

And what's with that cat? Cats ALWAYS pee where they're supposed to. Did he learn it from the residents? Do prison cats have coercive anal sex and drink pruno?

Anyway. Don't bring a cat to a bingo game is the big take-away here. That is all.

snippets!

2008-06-09T23:25:00.004-04:00

**while i was out and about this evening a guy hit on me.

**he used a line from WAYNE'S WORLD.

**i'm not kidding.

**i am waiting to find out if my cat has cancer so i can determine whether to spend my stimulus check on cat chemo or a digital camera.

**go see this. i saw it tonight with o-town. it's fantastic.

**this presents all sorts of headline opportunities. "highway to sell?" "back in wack?" "for those about to shop..." (god. i'm as bad as that guy earlier. SCHWING!)

Weeked Wrap-Up

2008-06-09T11:13:00.014-04:00

*Saw BJ Novak at Caroline's on Broadway. Homeboy is incredibly handsome. He has that Andrew McCarthy thing going on with his eye area. Looks all suspicious and vulnerable and blinky.

This makes me want to protect him. Then nail him. Then protect other people from nailing him.

I am partial to trembling Chihuahuas for the same reason.

What else?

Oh, I watched Mama's Boy on DVR. I got bored 1/4 the way through and started Internetting.

Zipped through the new David Sedaris. Good. Not as good as some of the others. But decent.

Talked to my mom. She wants me to take some dance class called "Zumba" which is all the rage in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

I don't know if this is a good idea or not, just based on the name.

Zumba.

It sounds like a failed dot com or a playground fad lifted from the Japanese.

ZUMBA IS MANY GOOD TIME!!!!!!
New topic: This haircut. I want it.

It's not at all suited to my hair texture. This chick has pin straight hair. Mine is wavy.

It'd probably look more like this:

Hot, right? She looks like she works for a low call volume escort service and moonlights selling Herbalife on the weekends.

hi, i'm disgusting

2008-05-30T11:30:00.002-04:00

for some reason i find this picture incredibly erotic.

not erotic: that i just used the word "erotic".

perry farrell via jezebel

p.s. i've hooked up with a youngster so youngster he can't even name one jane's addiction song. he's also never heard of Jackée from 227. HORROR!

all i love is my dope and dead presidents

2008-05-20T17:45:00.004-04:00

hi. i'm trying to go a week without any social networking sites.

i'm on day 2. it feels like FOREVER.

i don't think i'm going to make it, y'all.

DAMN YOU NINO BROWN!

TUESDAY, TUESDAY, TUESDAY

2008-05-20T00:46:00.004-04:00

why is it cock rockers always lapse into black and white whenever they're feeling sad in videos?

exhibit 1

exhibit 2

exhibit 3

and that was only a cursory search. i'm sure there are many, many more.

LISTEN UP: WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHY BLACK AND WHITE IS MAKING THESE ROCKERS SO UNHAPPY.

HANG TIGHT, RIKKI, NIKKI, BOBBY, JOHNNY, COCKY, ET AL. YOU CAN BEAT THIS THING. WE'RE COMING TO HELP YOU!

in other news, there was a huge puddle of piss in the filene's dressing room on 14th and broadway and a friendly dominican gentleman asked me if i wanted to, "ride this". i must have looked quizzical, because he clarified, "come on mami, ride my big horse."

i wonder what he would have done if i dropped all four bags of groceries, pulled down my paint-covered jeans, ripped off my cat hair covered hoodie and just totally mounted him, right there on the sidewalk.

media medley

2008-05-12T23:31:00.008-04:00

aka What's Making the Work Week 2% More Tolerable

### 1 ###
This Guy on Craigslist
He sent the above picture to my sister as a precursor to boning her. Not sure why she turned him down. Was it the staring raptly at his own junk, as if he had never seen it before? The could-easily-transition-from-karate-class-to-tropical-funeral clothes? The almost 100% certainty that this gentleman was employing his own grandmother's living room for his filthy version of Sears portrait studio? I love my sister, but I kinda think she missed out. There's nothing hotter than getting plowed on a floral-print couch, your feet on the mock Victorian coffee table made of particleboard, your head bumping the wall and shaking the potpourri-scented wreaths of flowers.

### 2 ###
Beverly Hills Teens

I used to watch the hell out of this when I was kid. WHY??? Who greenlighted this one? Granted, I'm not going to expect a lot of smart decisions out of a cartoon conglomerate that calls itself DiC under the delusional notion that everyone (including small children) will be respectful and mature enough to pronounce it "deek" and not default to its more traditional pronunciation.

The lyrics to the theme song read like something a drunk business traveler from Budapest could be heard screaming into a karaoke machine at a bar in Midtown:

Come live your fantasy,
In Beverly Hills
Come on and make your dreams come true

And there's a teen club,
In Beverly Hills
So many things that we can do
Fun for me and you.

And the people here dance into the night
Everybody is dressed up out of sight,
We're livin' in style, we do it right
In Beverly Hills...

Favorite part is the middle. "And there's a teen club..." Oh really? A TEEN CLUB?? I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR ONE OF THOSE ALL MY LIFE!"

Sad thing is, if there was such a thing and they would have let me in at 12, I probably would have joined. I was too young to know that being a teenager totally sucks balls.

### 3 ###
Stripsters by Brad Walsh

Gorgeous boys. Truly, truly gorgeous boys. In various states of undress with the occasional token girl. Finally, someone has the proper ratio. Mama said rub one out.

erin bradley living martha stewart favorite things

2008-05-05T18:09:00.003-04:00

My friend Salah made this for my birfday. His blog is here and it is better than that other blog you've been reading when your father isn't around. You know I don't like that. I don't like that at all.

on strategy

2008-05-05T02:25:00.003-04:00

do not eat hot caramel straight out of the jar followed up with pretzels and onion dip shortly before retiring.

you will not be able to sleep and that meeting with the big muck-a-muck in which you will have to be "on" and charming for three hours tomorrow probably isn't bringing on the winks, either.

your body is a clothing stand

2008-05-01T15:54:00.013-04:00

If John Mayer's taste in women were a clothing brand, it would most definitely be...
TALBOTS

Think about it.

He's got his Resort Wear...

Easy Weekend Basics...

and Timeless Pieces That Never Go Out of Style.

JOHN MAYER'S REQUIREMENTS FOR BEING JOHN MAYER'S GIRLFRIEND WHO ALSO MEETS JOHN MAYER'S GIRLFRIEND REQUIREMENTS:

1. long hair

2. white teeth

3. white skin

4. must look like you stepped off the pages of a high school yearbook circa 1989-1997

5. prom queen title, beauty pageant experience, sorority membership a plus

I love how the man who once said, "I'm indie rock like it just don't stop," is so proud of having spurned the vaginal advances of Paris Hilton.

Like Hewitt, Simpson, and now Aniston are any better.

Like your mouth doesn't say one thing and your dick doesn't do another.

Time to get real, Dr. Phil.

You're worse than a closeted homo-hating senator, son.

2008-04-24T12:48:00.001-04:00

CONS OF TAKE OUR CHILDREN TO WORK DAY WHICH SHOULD REALLY BE TAKE OUR MOTHERF'N ****DAUGHTERS**** BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT IN THE FIRST PLACE AND ADDING BOYS TO THE MIX TAKES ALL THE MEANING AND SIGNIFICANCE OUT OF IT:

-screaming shorties
-not being able to get any work done
-awkward conversations with coworker's offspring

PROS

-cotton candy and popcorn machines and subsequent cotton candy and popcorn lunch

i find it really hilarious that our agency isn't even making a cursory effort to teach these kids anything about our business.

they've got a moonjump set up in the atrium and a DJ and a helium tank. it's like a kiddie keg party blowout.

fucking righteous take our kids to work day cards on someecards.com

i smell pussy

2008-04-22T00:54:00.000-04:00

Vice Magazine has a great interview with the lady behind Cat Prin aka "The Tailor of a Cat."

Fave excerpt:

Q: Do you have any pointers on how to convince a cat to wear clothes?
A: Always think about the cat’s personality beforehand, and don’t force the costumes upon them. Try to do it when they’re in a good mood, and say encouraging words to them. Cats love to be complimented. You can’t be half-assed about it either. You’ve got to be like, “OH MY GOD, you are so CUTE, you’re the best cat EVER!!” and they will actually feel it and feel better about wearing the clothes. Compliment your cat, and they will definitely get better at wearing clothes.

Full article.

I occasionally call the fat one "handsome" but other than that I don't really compliment my kitties.

I tend to talk to them like a taxi driver or a deli worker. I get home and they're clamoring about my heels trying to get food and I'll say something like: Cool it, Mac! OR Oh, you're just starving to death, aren't you pal? OR Keep your shirt on!

I know it's gruff but I like to think that the love comes through in my voice.

Questions for Discussion:
1. Do you compliment your pets? What compliments do you give them? If no, why not?
2. What is your ideal cat costume?

DOWN WITH THE LOW

2008-04-18T14:32:00.001-04:00

MSN just came out with this article

"Too Tall to Date?"

which outlines 3 reasons why it's hard to date if you're a tall girl.

I'm 5'9 and I love me some short men. Back in the day I used to have a 6'4 and over fetish but the last couple men I've seen with any regularity have been built like Jon Lovitz.

It's weird how when you start dating someone of a different physical type, suddenly that's all you're attracted to. That's all you notice.

The same thing happened when I dated a guy who was Vietnamese. For the whole year afterwards I was running around eye-raping Asian hipster boys with Bruce Lee haircuts on St. Marks.

Here's why short boys are better:

1. People look at you when you're out in public.

But isn't that bad, Erin? Attention is attention, and extra attention is AWESOME. Think about the person walking the pit bull and the teacup chihuahua. The smiles it brings to people's faces. How weathered old rednecks see it and go, "Takes all kinds." That's YOU! You're ALL KINDS. Rock!

2. It makes you look like a model.

People see you and they're all like, "Holy shit that girl's tall!" and if you're wearing heels, even more so. Being tall is already great, this just helps set off its luster.

3. It makes your boy look like he's rich, has a huge wang, or both.

Walking down the street you hear the whispers, "Why is she with him? He must be loaded," or "You know what? You laugh, Donnie, but I bet the sex is out of control." How are these bad assumptions?

4. Speaking of wangs, lack of vertical altitude does not mean an automatic deduction.

To put it another way, I've dated 5'7 guys who were packing heat and 6'5 guys who were...umm...not. It's always a grab bag. Like Forrest Gump's gay cousin says, "A zipper is like a box of chocolates," and I've seen many a Whitman's Sampler go wrong.

5. It's easy to fit them on your bed and couch.

With a short guy it's all compact and snuggly. Everything fits together like a fleshy Jenga game. With a tall guy it's an all-evening insomnia-inducing symphony of bony limbs and elbows.

QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION:
1. Do you date short or tall individuals?
2. Does height matter to you?
3. For trashy frozen pizza, do you like Tony's better or Stouffer's?

2008-04-17T19:52:00.001-04:00

Accept - Balls To The Wall

2008-04-17T17:29:00.001-04:00

i've spent the day writing "insider travel tips" about obscure resorts in the united arab emirates.

while editorial stuff like this is a nice change of pace from the usual drudgery (designing nomenclature schemas! naming buttons!) i still have to bitch.

because coming up with tidbits about local attractions that don't involve anything that would offend the readership is HARD!

write about a BBQ restaurant? nope. PIG IS DIRTY. waterpark? uh huh. bathing suits are for WHORES!

so far i've come up with a variety of neutral tips like this one:

tip #5: LOOK AT SAND.
tip #22: USE A CHAIR FOR SITTING.
tip #37: STAY IN YOUR ROOM AND PLAY WITH THE IRONING BOARD!

it's not the location of the resorts so much as the stipulations of the client. i'd have the same prob if the resorts were in fresno. it's just harder b/c at least fresno i could write about the mall or something. these places are just sand and bibley monuments (another no-no).

crock of stuff

2008-04-14T01:01:00.000-04:00

Look, I know. I know. I know. I know.

I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright? Rock of Love is an affront to feminism for hundreds of reasons, not the least of which include women putting their dignity and lives on hold to vie for the affections of a transvestite alligator.

I just to say one thing:

WRONG CHOICE, BRET!

You so want Daisy. It's undeniable.

I know you want to like that homey chick. That's the sane, intelligent choice. But you're not into that any more than I am men who work normal jobs for a living and maintain a healthy relationship with alcohol.

Don't bother deleting that number from your cell phone, boy.

You'll be back.

AND THE GELFLING WILL BE WAITING...

Do you think I'm OK? Do you think I'm alright?

2008-04-08T13:42:00.000-04:00

More goodness at Channel 101 New York.

(did that sound slutty?)

2008-04-03T15:25:00.000-04:00

According to Gawker's Sheila McClear, female sex writers suck.

"To build your notoriety as a dude writer, it's important to have big ideas, or at least think you have them. For postmodern girls, however, it seems the fastest shortcut to getting attention is writing about sex or relationships, faux-frankly."

According to moi, she's the one who smooches the flesh snake.

Isn't this the same Sheila McClear who's shilling a a memoir about her days as a peep show girl?

Isn't this the same Sheila McClear who writes about one of the most tired-ass of hipster sex topics of all time, aka variety show burlesque?

Isn't this the same Sheila McClear who works for a blog so saturated with references to one of the most egregiously cliche mainstream prom queen female sex writers that I can barely stand to read it?

On behalf of myself and every girl who's ever written about fucking (or any other topic, for that matter) I cordially invite you to go get bent.

blue suede shoes, blue suede stilettos

2008-04-03T11:08:00.000-04:00

i feel like an alcoholic stepfather saying this.

for years i've alternated between putting her down and ignoring her.

MARIAH YOU'RE BORING!
MARIAH YOU'RE VAIN!
MARIAH VISION OF LOVE IS THE WORST SONG EVER AND I CURSE YOU EVERY TIME I ENTER A SUPERMARKET OR ELEVATOR!

i want to love her. but she needs me to love her so much.

and while her body is slammin', her jawline has always reminded me so strongly of a chimpanzee that my vagina feels dead inside every time i think about fucking her. some people are into obscure shit like "songwriting" and "vocal abilities" but "wanting to fuck" is one of my non-negotiable pre-requisites for a pop star.

but now.

Mariah Carey now has more number 1 hits than Elvis.

holy shit. i'm proud of you girl.

(awkward pat on shoulder, zig-zags out of room clutching tumbler of sambuca)

like tumblr, for people who don't get tumblr

2008-03-27T21:51:00.000-04:00

apparently this is just a blog where i post things now.

i have become "ONE OF THOSE"

but dude.

best quotes:

"like a sparrow's beak"

"before, there'd be blood everywhere."

i swear to jay-z the next entry will contain nothing but intimate personal details about myself.

we go to mansions, whenever we want...

2008-03-25T22:45:00.000-04:00

MC Extra Cheese directed by Kesime Bernard

why can't booger be a real person?

2008-03-24T17:07:00.001-04:00

then he could run for president under the 'totally awesome' party.

I like David Beckham

2008-03-20T16:26:00.000-04:00

I am predictable and gross.

But look at this picture. The level of grooming, ladies and gentlemen.

It's not even grooming. It's grooooooooooooooming.

And I don't even *like* grooming. I like my men scuzzy and unwashed.

I bet he doesn't even ejaculate. A gentle puff of jasmine-scented air and a tiny burst of appetite suppressant are the only indicators that appear in your mouth.

break out the red lipstick, blue states

2008-03-19T20:20:00.000-04:00

barack's comin' to get ya. (here's the original)

death of a car salesman

2008-03-16T01:41:00.000-04:00

Past few days I've been in Detroit. A funeral. My uncle Mike. My mom's brother. He sold Fords. There was crying, arguments over money and burial arrangements. Cold cuts.

We've never been a very big extended family. Now we keep getting smaller and smaller. I thought you were supposed to grow up and have your own family to replace that original dying family as you got older.

I also thought my handwriting would get nicer. You should see how I sign my name. It's awful. All loopy and diligent, like a 4th grader writing "Mrs. Ralph Macchio" on an autograph dog.

It's probably good I don't have kids. They'd take a legitimate sick day and no one would ever believe the note I wrote them.

THAT'S MY JAM Y'ALL

2008-03-12T14:57:00.000-04:00

t.i., take a hike. #1 on the rollerskate fuck mix.

Butt, this is how proud you make me.

2008-03-11T20:51:00.000-04:00

I just farted and it sounded EXACTLY the noise my phone makes when I get a text message.

note the DeLorean in the second picture down

2008-03-03T22:33:00.000-05:00

Hesher Cokehead Photoset on Flickr.
Don't get any in the 'stache, playah.
Your time to rock is NOW.

lasagna vagina

2008-02-29T15:51:00.000-05:00

went to conway, which is kind of like a trashier version of kmart for new yorkers. bought a pair of garfield underwear on my lunch hour.

they're grey and orange and say "don't know, don't care" on the front and "why bother?" across the bottom.

those are pretty nihilistic statements for undergarments. if i was a boner i don't think they'd make me feel too hopeful.

i almost bought a pair that said "deth [sic] before dishonor" and had an angry-looking eagle but the only size they had would have been snug on a 4-year old.

Your Hipster is in My Old Lady! Your Old Lady is in My Peanut Butter!

2008-02-25T10:48:00.000-05:00

I watch QVC. A lot.

It's soothing.

My favorite shows are:

1. An Hour of Diamonique (CAN I GET SOME GLASS CHIPS! WHAT! WHAT!)

2. Around the Home (carbon monoxide detectors, power strips, & porcelain garden frogs)

3. Kirk's Folly Jewelry (hideous confections of crystals, stars, cherub faces, and seashells endowed with faux healing properties and marketed primarily towards ovarian cyst sufferers in Wisconsin)

Anyway, last night I got home from my Oscar Party and flipped on the Q and there's fucking Chloe Dao of Project Runway shilling blouses.

Not sure how I feel about this kind of crossover.

No one is supposed to know about my secret old lady.

What's next? Parker Posey in a Dove soap commercial?

If Fat Baby starts putting out bowls of bridge mix we will KNOW something seriously weird is going on.

p.s. In case you're 12 and don't get the title.

at least L Lo doesn't talk in that goddamn baby voice like marilyn did at 36 years old.

2008-02-21T17:08:00.000-05:00

I know. Let's take two middlin' actresses, both of whom like to drink, screw, take bad advice from managers, look better with their natural hair color, and do copious amounts of drugs.

We'll label one a classic beauty, put her on coffee mugs and screensavers and regard as the epitome of feminine glamour.

The other we'll hold up as example of the downfall of womanhood and American society and label a contemptible whore.

LINDSAY LOHAN, HOW DARE YOU, A DRUGGED UP BOTTLE BLONDE ACTRESS, TRY TO EMULATE ANOTHER DRUGGED UP BOTTLE BLONDE ACTRESS? JUST WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

THE FOLLICAUST

2008-02-13T13:03:00.000-05:00

lastest work crush looks like john belushi. short and kinda dumpy/pudgy/unhealthy. is that wrong? to be attracted to someone who looks all greasy and wired?

not my fault though. all the boys in creative are getting ugly haircuts. shaggy becks sporting tight crews that make them look like stockbrokers.

i think it's some really high level avant garde irony thing that i'm not getting. retard chic's distant relative? an advance rejection of the upcoming grunge revival? i don't know. they're way too ahead of me. they get their clothes in japan and spend $900 on a pencil case.

grandma can't keep up.

At the Chinese New Year Parade

2008-02-10T17:56:00.000-05:00

My old phone, the one I woke up and found submerged in a glass of water by my bedside, had a much better camera. This one's, like 1.3 mega pixels.

I kind of want to go buy a decent camera. But I also don't want to turn into one of those people who runs around documenting everything. The only whiteys I saw had huge telephoto lenses and camera cases.

Afterwards, Olivia and I went to Dumpling House. I'm not into dumplings. Anything smooshy and served in a broth generally has me wary.

These were good though. I had pork something or other and a sesame pancake.

Fun with Google Image Search: junior varsity squad

2008-02-07T15:28:00.000-05:00

The eagle is a bird of prey. The prey? CHEERLEADERS.

When mom and dad heard about the price of the uniform, they initially balked. They were relieved to learn it would enjoy years of use when Kimmi gets pregnant, drops out, and goes to work slinging cocktails at an Indian casino.

You can bag on cheerleaders all you want, but I LOVE these girls. Tell me they're not adorable. Tell me they're not having fun. Makes you want to sing the school song and host a charity car wash while snorting puffy paint through your megaphone.

These bitches? OPPOSITE. The one in the middle is the reason why I dropped out halfway through high school. Who knows where I could have taken that shit? I could be fucking enormous-wanged NBA players and collecting diamonds for alleged infidelities. At bare minimum, modeling for car shows.

I'll take Transvestite Flash Gordon Caught in a Glitter Storm Without Appropriate Shelter for the win, John.

Not to get too personal, but I once had a stalker. Even that guy doesn't scare me as much as Lion Head Girl. It's the primary reason Irmo Junior Vocational Tech remains undefeated against all opponents.

At first I was all like, "This is stupid. Cheerleaders don't hang out at the beach. Come ahhhwwwn." Then I noticed the name of the alma mater: SEA KINGS. That fucking OWNS. It's like a street gang from the Fifties. The Sea Kings ruled Brighton Beach and used to get into fisticuffs with the Mastiffs and the Shoobie Boys.

I'll go easy on your girls since you're all of 11, but I will impart one important little bit of advice: black tennies with bare legs will always make you look like domestic help. Trust me. I used to work at Bennigan's during the summer months. Gang up on your coach and whine in that really annoying way teenage girls do until you get a more fuck-worthy uniform. Your self esteem for the next four years depends on it.

UNDERNEATH THIS DIAPER, I AM TOTALLY NUUUUUUUUUDE

2008-01-25T17:57:00.000-05:00

my sister did a comic.

"Yeah, that's right. Get some." -- Cat Stevens

2008-01-25T16:18:00.000-05:00

Finally, a crush my mother and I can agree on. This picture makes me want to reach through my screen and give him an HJ, even though that zipper is like, 19 inches long.

Fun with Google Image Search: senior portrait

2008-01-22T23:51:00.000-05:00

Old Spice High, Class of 1897

Clark Kent: The Early Years, brought to you by Olan Mills

Photo shoot for sanitary napkin commercial? Or school photographer a centimeter away from illegal?

YOU MAKE THE CALL.

Uh...whoa.

Think this one already had a run-in with the photographer a few shots above.

Bro, what's up, bro?

Easy there, Gretchen. That's a horse, not a boyfriend.

Dude, my brother caught the same thing down in Singapore.

Mommy, what's "bitch slap rapping"?

2008-01-15T00:03:00.001-05:00

junior year and senior of college i was obsessed with one thing: my biceps.

still pumped from having seen terminator 2 several years previous, i had somehow convinced myself that 4 times weekly gym sessions, embarrassing magazine subscriptions and foul-tasting supplements were the key to developing linda hamilton guns that would take the place of the stork-like linguini appendages i had inherited from my mother.

t2 was more than a movie to me. it was a way of thinking. a lifestyle. one that says it's ok for women to be old. it's ok for them to handle firearms, ride motorcycles, and beat the tar out of somebody.

not that i ever needed an OK, but still. it's always nice to have one. at one point i had linda hamilton pictures in my car, at my workplace, and in my gym locker.

my boyfriend never said anything, but i'm sure he must have found it more than a little odd. those days he spent most of his time trying to avoid me, as any face-to-face contact of longer than 5 minutes would lead to a solicitation for arm wrestling.

I KNOW I CAN TAKE YOU!
JUST ONE MORE TIME!
COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my biceps quest ended when, after a year of work, i happened upon ms. hamilton's workout routine in an old issue of entertainment weekly and discovered: 1. i had made very little progress, and 2. i'd never have the discipline nor the means to ford rivers, eat dry salads, or spend face time with a former israeli commando.

now along comes this new series: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

and grandma's a little worried. i gotta tell you.

to go from this:

to this:

just doesn't spell promising.

you can almost hear the discussion between the producers:

producer #1
But I don't get it. The main character isn't the robot.

producer #2
Yes, but the main character is O-L-D.

producer #3
So?

producer #1
We can't have an O-L-D promoting the series. How will we get sponsors?

producer #2
Good point. Let's go with the 20 year old ballet dancer.

producer #3
20? I thought you said she was 19.

producer #1
Get Jim on the horn. See if there's still time to cast a younger sister...

i'm being super judgmental though. i know very little about it. maybe it'll be really good.

one thing's for sure: NO SUPERFUCKINGAWESOME HIT VIDEO FEATURING A WHITE SPANDEX BICYCLE SHORTS-WEARING AXL ROSE.

I'd Like to Know Where You Got the Notion

2008-01-07T22:25:00.001-05:00

Can anyone who sews help me?

I'm trying to find a cloth-covered wire bent into the shape of a U that sort of folds over and has a u-shaped piece that it fits into so the two of them work like a button to hold a coat together.

my big puffy whorey pimp ebay coat has them and several have fallen off and i'd like to replace them. but i do not know what the fuck they're called. hook & eye? frogs?

i went to joann fabrics but it was no help. probably cause i didn't know what the F i was looking for.

IF YOUR FRIENDS DON'T ACTUALLY ACCUSE YOU

2008-01-05T00:11:00.000-05:00

i've been watching infomercials since before i was born.

the name "erin" comes from an actress in a 3 o'clock (as in, in the morning) movie my moms was watching.

i was a shitty pregnancy. always keeping my mom up. kicking and kicking. turning and tossing.

i now present to you "pearl cream" - tell me if this woman isn't a distant relative of barbara wahwah....

Take That, Rewind It Back

2008-01-04T00:28:00.000-05:00

Obama got the votes to make ya booty go SNAP!

*I'm aware this is Luda, not Usher. I tried to get a photo of the former with the candidate in question but he was busy applying Turtle Wax to his pectoral muscles and healing sick children with his stomach.

Too bad elections aren't won on looks alone, or I would immediately switch my voting affiliation to the Adorable Casual Black Fonzie Party.

Who are YOU supporting? More importantly, why?

Separated at Birth

2007-12-11T22:58:00.001-05:00

Ex-boyfriend from a long time ago's roommate's cat

A young Nick Nolte