Thursday, August 14, 2008

O Positive(ly Disgusting)

Donated blood this afternoon on my lunch hour. As you can see, the tech had some issues.

I don't know what went wrong. She didn't tell me. I think it had to do with the blood going into the bag. Instead of flowing downward it kept chilling in the tube and she had to use this little scissor/roller-type contraption to get things going.

The tube was very thin and clear and as she kept messing around more and more of it got coiled around my wrist. The part that had blood in it looked like red spaghetti and the sight of it made me nauseous.

Unusual, since I'm not averse to needles or gore. I can easily surf while eating a chicken salad sandwich. I watched that horrific Olympic weightlifting video and my first thought was, "Whoa, did you see how fast the Chinese were with those press barriers? Motherfuckin' ON POINT son!!!"

I just don't like the idea of my blood being chunky. One, because it doesn't sound very good for you. Two, because I want lots of sympathy when I get minor cuts. In order to achieve this, my blood must come spurting out like a Jackson Pollock painting.

I shouldn't be surprised though. Everything about my system is slow:

Slow pulse - Usually in the low 60's even though I don't exercise and gobble so much salt I'm almost mummified.

Low blood pressure See above. Often the number that's supposed to be higher doesn't crack 100.

Low body temp - Don't know what this is from but probably explains why I am always cold.

Miscellaneous - I don't sweat. Rarely shit, like every 3 days.

I have the circulatory system of a three-toed sloth yet somehow I'm still brimming with nervous energy. I can watch TV, check my email, brush the cat, and organize my jewelry box - all at the same time. Yet still I'm bored and restless.

Speaking of blood, the Bloods should organize a BLOOD DRIVE. The play on words would be ADORABLE. And practical, too...


Fred said...

Bitch at the Red Cross made me squirt like a Monty Python sketch last week. She put that blood pressure gauge on my arm and cranked it up so high the bag filled in about 30 seconds.
I suppose it is my fault for showing up to the donation as they were attempting to close down for the day.

pb said...

Do you mean that the first number (systolic) doesn't crack 100? Because that would be low. It would be normal, though, for the second number (diastolic) to stay below 100.

Also, a pulse in the low sixties is normal, not slow. Slow would be 40-50. Athletes often have resting pulse rates lower than 50.

And what's up with the shitting? You saving it up for something? Is there some store in your neighborhood where you can trade 3-day-old feces for gummi bears and cherry slurpees? Oh how I wish that store existed. Anyway. Try a little more fiber and a little less cheese, and before long you'll be ready for the 2012 Olympic shitting competition. The shitcathalon. I would so watch that.

Robert said...

Yeah, you might want to try more fiber (Metamucil or anything else with natural psyllium). A clean colon is a happy colon.