Thursday, April 3, 2008

blue suede shoes, blue suede stilettos

i feel like an alcoholic stepfather saying this.

for years i've alternated between putting her down and ignoring her.

MARIAH YOU'RE BORING!
MARIAH YOU'RE VAIN!
MARIAH VISION OF LOVE IS THE WORST SONG EVER AND I CURSE YOU EVERY TIME I ENTER A SUPERMARKET OR ELEVATOR!



i want to love her. but she needs me to love her so much.

and while her body is slammin', her jawline has always reminded me so strongly of a chimpanzee that my vagina feels dead inside every time i think about fucking her. some people are into obscure shit like "songwriting" and "vocal abilities" but "wanting to fuck" is one of my non-negotiable pre-requisites for a pop star.

but now.

Mariah Carey now has more number 1 hits than Elvis.

holy shit. i'm proud of you girl.

(awkward pat on shoulder, zig-zags out of room clutching tumbler of sambuca)

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